Dec 09

Apparently someone died. And it has scared me enough to write this post in case I'm next. :D

I'm addicted to The Ting Tings "Shut Up and Let Me Go". And loads of other songs which I've been hearing on the radio. Yup that's my source for new hit songs. o.O

I'm on a quest to find the perfect TEVA slippers. Yeah after a year of stealing wenny's slippers to wear I can't get used to sandals anymore. And anyways my sandals are broken. TEEEEEEEEVA....

Korkor has a patypus. Platypus. It's so cute... And I needa return his mahjong tiles. I hope got enough people at the BBQ to play mahjong. I'm kind of deprived already, I wonder how I'll play next year... No more hostel le D:

I have gotten my army letter. And I've deferred it until Dec 09. It's so scary that we're Yr 6 already. I don't know how I'm going to take leaving again. I still haven't gotten over leaving Temasek... I know a part of me says that it's all for the best and stuff, but many times I still wonder why I left in the first place. Then another part of me flames me and says I wouldn't have met such great people if I hadn't left, but I wouldn't have left such great people if I had never left in the first place... It's complicated like hell.

And I'm scared of doing it again with next year. I know it's going to happen anyway, but it doesn't make it easier or anything.

When I was really young I used to want to grow up so I could have loads of money to buy stuff and do stuff, but now... growing up isn't easy at all, and I'll rather study or stuff now.

Christmas... in 3 days!

Christmas is in 3 days and I think I'm coming down with some runny-nose thing...

And we have a BBQ on the 31st now, I have to tell Conrad but he's overseas and doesn't come online faithfully... 

I just watched the last episode of the Kids Next Door, and it's so sad... I think it's irritating to grow up. You have to do so much stuff, and you can't play as much, and you have to work, and even though you have alot of cash you can't spend it. And there's so much politics and stupid stuff going on around you, and you have to like blast through everything and find some way to survive...

I'll rather be studying for the rest of my life or something. At least I know I can be doing something and there's people around.

I miss Temasek alot still. I miss everyone there, and now they're like scattered all over the world. Sometimes I think what it'll be like if I never went to NUS High. It's weird but I can't really imagine it now. And as Johno put it, I wouldn't have met so many people that I love now. However, that doesn't make it any easier when we graduate next year. It doesn't make it hurt any less; it doesn't make it any better at all. In fact, I think it makes it worse because I know I brought this on myself, that I chose it, even though at that time I knew about what would eventually happen.

We seem to be rushing on together-time; we just had a chalet, we're gonna have a lunch and a BBQ later in the holidays, and next year we're going overseas on a trip. I think everyone's feeling it, the sense that we're not going to see each other very soon. Maybe it's something we picked up from the Yr 6s. They keep telling us that they found the year to pass very fast, and I think it's made us just a bit more panicky than usual. I just don't get how everyone else can hide it so well...

I guess it's all right for hardened people like kor, or people who are like so perfect in everything they do, like Johno. They just take it with a "so what?" and that's the end of it. It's so easy for them, and maybe they don't understand how I feel. I hate leaving...

Anyways, I think I'm going to sleep now. It's always so depressing when I think about these things.

Chalet photos... and weird stuff

That's like korkor... playing something on the PSP or the DS or whatever. It's orange. Kinda dirty orange and its weird...

 

 

Mahjong khakis... However you spell that. They're playing mahjong. Duh.

 

 

Let sleeping Jacks lie... While the rest of us went to play mahjong outside. MUAHAHAHA.

 

CS retards who come chalet to, what else, play CS.

 

Doggy. More commonly called Dalton. He was so much fun at the BBQ, then he turned lethargic the next day. Aaron was mean to him. I tried to bribe him to stay with me from then on but it failed... D:

 

My dear roomamte being a retard and trying to jump over the table. I wish I could say he failed and hit his balls, but unfortunately he didn't. Not that he was good or anything... the table was just too low. >.<

 

Char's turn to be retarded. Tried to jump through the photo when I was taking, but still failed. End up got quite a nice shot.

 

Johno and Mitchell... and Johno's camera, which can do alot of things and take loads of nice photos, and apparently its the first of its kind (DSLR) where you can see what you take through the screen instead of only the viewfinder. Anyways, it took a picture of Aaron, together with the nice scenery behind, which included kissing lovers. Ask Johno for more details, and pray hard he kept that photo. XD

 

We had lousy hair. It was windy. The camera was held too close. Bad shot. ZZZ

 

My roommie. Just him yup. He deserves to have a star rating in this picture, because he's obviously more interested in his right pocket then the camera.

 

The tousled hair look is in style... And we're catching on quick. High winds and long hair required for maximal effect. However, having people growing out of your head isn't a fashion style; more like randomness...

 

Portrait shots of people. Required by law in case they need mugshots.

 

Aaron's a contortionist!!! Notice foot on his right. (That's mine by the way!)

 

Last picture before Aaron left... His doggy was home alone. I wonder if it had to fight off criminals who break into the house with a truly ingenious plan of using common household items to wage war against them and get them out of the house... (Obscure "Home Alone" reference here. It's a TV show.)

 

Notice pink slippers that are WAYY too small. Guess whose those are hahas.

 

Whose feet are in which pair of shoes. (It's kinda obvious if you know what you're looking for... )

 

Last photo taken. The '03 gang. MUAHAHAHAHA.

 

Rightttt...

So after that LONGGGGG photo montage, I have decided to write about my whole 5 days of experiences...... tomorrow. Or something. I'm really tired now, and I'm going to sleep.

*also: I'm gonna see how long it takes for people to find this blog again.

**also: I'm gonna die next year, Kor's joining ODAC, and I'm gonna be tortured to run... and run... and runnnnnnn... NOOOOO. Bao, maybe you'll have to wheel me around St Luke's when they're done with me... Hmm... XD

And he said...

I thought of restarting a new blog since it's like just after hostel. We should start afresh, and anyways it's hard to read all that I wrote without missing hostel.

In the end I couldn't think of a better blog address, so I gave up and decided to continue on this blog.

Yeahh. Took me like half an hour to decide to shift back.

Mr Lim happened...

I feel old tonight. Really old. Astro was way cool today; the last part got kinda weird. Gave out the jackets, collected money, said goodbyes to Yr 6s, went up to observatory while everyone complained in the dry lab and gave suggestions on what to do for next year...

Mr Lim scolded them afterwards. Not really scolded; more like gave them a pep talk. On how they shouldn't like be criticising us if they won't even lift a finger to help... So epic... And moving.

It's kinda sad that it takes a teacher doing this to open your eyes to what's been going on the past few weeks, or months. We've worked so hard, and we don't even bother if anyone notices it, but apparently someone did. And that's all that matters right now.

It's hard to have all these things said in front of the Yr6s; after all, they're the ones that started all of this. I guess it's also hard for them to see how we've taken over from them. I guess it's kinda like seeing your kids grow up. It's really regretful that we couldn't put up a better night for them today, but I think they had fun in the observatory tonight. We're having a last session celebration the last week after the Yr1-4 exams. It's a big party, and we're going to start planning right now. It's going to be something so big and well done that everyone's going to remember it. I guess in the end, it's the least we could do. I guess we're all going to miss him and stuff, and though we don't know what astro's going to be like next year, we'll always do our best to make things work out, the way he would have wanted it, the way it would be if he was still here. There's something about carrying a mantle that's both deeply comforting and deeply inspiring.

I guess there are still a few problems to be worked out with astro; we'll be sure to get down on them as soon as possible. And even though he may be leaving us veryvery soon, I guess even at the last minute, there are nuggets of wisdom to be found everywhere in a person. So right to the very last moment, I'm going to keep listening, and watching, for those nuggets. Because each one is precious, and each one teaches us a lesson we'll never forget.

Being stupid

One thing about not studying for anything is that people always tend to take you as being damn stupid. So you tell them something that you know alot about, and you get weird bullshit from them, like having argued about it with a teacher before or just knowing. It's damn idiotic, especially when said fact is like staring at you in your damn face one mouse click away on wikipedia.

I guess there's a price to pay for acting stupid. On one hand it almost guarantees that'll people won't take you seriously if you say anything wrong; yet even that is a double-edged sword, especially if you have thick-headed friends who think they're so smart just because they study the whole day. No one ever realises that on things that I like, I take less than half a day to study. Well, I don't see the point of studying so hard just to show that I can. What's the point of studying the whole day if you can do the same amount of work in half an hour? The only point is to simply show off. It's probably a defence mechanism just to comfort themselves that they're doing something to try to be better.

I don't believe in studying. There's not much point in it, the way the world's going. Furthermore, I don't see the point of trying to slam something into your head when you obviously don't want to. You'll end up decreasing your satisfaction with that subject, with only minimal increase in mugging power...

The whole day I've been nagged at to study something, with all sorts of stupid excuses to try to get me to study. Don't waste time, studies are important, don't get complacent... Can't you obviously see that that's a stupid way to argue?! Complacency isn't the issue here, yet everyone thinks I'm so confident that I'm not studying. All of you are idiots. I don't study not because I think I don't need it, or I'm ready, or I'm so smart that I don't need to. I just don't want to. And that is NOT complacency; it's simply my choice.

The only people who're acting complacent are the ones who try to rebut me. Just because I look dumb, I don't study and my CAP isn't that great, you think I'm stupid enough not to know when the bravado you display at being "right" is all fake. If you only can do one thing in the whole world, wouldn't you make sure you could at least do it well and good? So don't try to make stupid excuses, stands and judgement calls, just because you've "studied the whole day". Like I said, I see no point in studying a whole day and getting simple facts wrong.

And whatever you think now, I know I'll be one of the happiest people from here in the future. It's not a question of whether I'm smart or not, or whether I have potential even, but I know I'm going to be one of the top because I don't suffer such shortsightedness that so many people here have. If nothing else, I see much more clearly than few others here. I'm not as blind as many take me to be, and despite my many faults, I know that even though everyone else here will have better pay, or greater spending power, or more luck or better looks or more leadership potential, I will be the most fulfilled here. Because nothing else matters as much, yet you are blind enough to chase fleeting shadows. Like I said, most times, I'm the only one who sees clearly enough to play this game.

Astro will drive me nuts

I'm quite sick of people not caring about astro or something. It's technically the end of CCA for Yr 5s but hello, do you think anything can function if you remove half of its EXCO? Damn what la...

And then because of things like watching girlfriends at CO and studying or chionging homework and you can't turn up...

Sometimes I wish to really kill some people. It's just not correct to do this la. Like you hardly bother about the club, and even when I have something else on I have to call and check up and worry. Can't you just concentrate on what you're doing for once, and finish it up? It's not that difficult you know.

I think alot of people think I'm like this slacker who chiongs homework at the last minute and because of my good crapping skills I get great grades. The truth is, I'm not stupid. Studying can be done with so little energy and time spent that I can't comprehend why some people spend a whole fortnight doing a project when, if you sit down for 2 hours it can be finished. Granted, I can't be bothered to do homework so early most of the time, but when I finally get it done I manage to produce work that can still get me Bs or even As. And it's just because I concentrate when I start something. Other people play GE, listen to music, talk to others, then complain that they take so long to do their work and stuff.

Whatever la. If they're not interested, I'm going to give up on astro.

Try...

Love is a terrible thing to hold. No one owns it; no one controls it. Yet everyone seems to desire it. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

It would be better not to feel at all than feel your heart bleeding. Wise words. Everytime i care for someone, I get burned. I'm starting not to care already. If not for what words from sponge I'll be in the middle of a nervous breakdown. He's the one person who I know will never hurt me, no matter what. Yes; I'll gladly push everyone else away. For I know what's left can never hurt me.

It's dinner time...

I just woke up. Wow. And I'm hungry. I'm gonna eat some ice-cream then go down for dinner. Hope it's nice food.

I just received like 10 smses when I restarted my phone. Something is seriously wrong with it le. I shall go down to eat now. It's a nice sunset too, and I'm not intending to miss any moment of it. People or not

Left Behind?

I just woke up... Wow. Slept from 3-9. And I'm still feeling tired.

I guess I'm not going home tonight, or probably the rest of the weekend. I don't even know if I should be up now typing this... My hands are swollen like... lobsters? Can't even think of a suitable analogy now. Or simile. Whatever. Sian. Haven't eaten the whole day.

I don't know why I bother with friends sometimes. I've seen more than enough cases where people get hurt because of them. I feel like throwing it all away sometimes, and other times...

It hurts, that's what I'm trying to say. In a way that no one else will ever understand. Maybe kor's right. I should learn how to live alone. Funny though, how I lose both ways, all the time. I try to reach out, and I burn my heart. I push people away, and they burn my heart. I will be alone. Probably somewhere else, far away. Mr Ng was right when he said I just loved any time where I left the country. The thing he didn't know was why.

I wonder if Alain's having a great time now. Or Adam. Or Sylvie. Or Ms Teo or Mr Ng, even... I've lost so many people that I'm not starting to care about everyone else anymore. There's no point in softening up when you're going to get stabbed again...

It's one of the reasons why I look up to kor. Not caring is a skill I need to learn. And it's starting to take root. My hands hurt; but I'm still up here. I'm way sore, but I'm going to run tomorrow morning, just for fun, and to prove that I can. Maybe I'll even get a heart attack. There are so many ways; thrombus, V-fib, decreased O-hemo to heart, overexertion of cardiac muscle, electrolyte imbalance due to fluid loss, heatstroke... Or I can simply get knocked over by a car by running across a road... Yet I'm still here, after 17 years or so...

I missed today's sunset. I miss having someone at my side to watch it with me, and because of the lack of that, I can't enjoy myself like I used to. I don't have so many people in my life anymore. And it seems like people are leaving much more quickly now than ever before... In Pri 2 it was Adam. I bet even if I go back and find my classmates, they won't remember him. But that was just the first.

Sylvie was next; I lost a valuable ally in the pathetic Lit student pantheon, and the strongest fighter in the war against Celine to get first in Lit. And all her stupid crappy jokes. And retardedness. And her sick-ness. Just ask Rad... And all the long train journeys home were never so bad if she rode with us. Even if she usually only rode to Chinatown...

Alain was next; he left about March, just when Mr Ng was dropping hints that he too, was leaving. and it's not just leaving, leaving. More like leaving the country leaving. It's the in thing now I guess.

Mr Lim's leaving soon. Probably to another country, from what I've heard. (MIT?) And we'll probably never see him again, unless some weird wind of fortune blows the right way, at the right time, in the right places, and through the right channels. It's crap, you know, when people say that you can change the future if you take charge. After all, the future is only potential; potentials can change whether you do anything or not. Not that one should just sit back and do nothing... But one thing you learn soon enough is that the very thing that you have been trying not to allow to happen may happen because of your actions. And for us, that's always hard to comprehend. The way a right word spoken can change another person's life... the same way a wrong word spoken can destroy a life.

I guess ultimately we choose our own lives. But I know that no matter what I don't think of this place as my own. There must be a better place somewhere. And I'll leave everything behind, one day. For it's not worth it to feel, when you feel too much as well.

I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

Cares and worries

I really worry about astro tomorrow night. Looking at everyone who's going to be there... Well you can't count on our dear QM and VP, though I love them so. And lately Mao has her head so into her new boyfriend that it's worrying, and I had hoped that she could like help keep everything on a level head.

Kenneth and CG are usually really tired already from robotics and scouts and whatever, and unfortunately Terry isn't the kind you'll take orders from. So it gets very difficult when things like this pop up all of a sudden. It's amazing how things can seem to work and fit perfectly one moment, then turn out to be so horribly screwed the next. Like, I decided to put Josh in charge for the Amazing race,, and then it turns out that its kinda lucky cause I won't be here tomorrow. Then it turns out that because I'm not here, things are probably going to get like wild and stuff tomorrow. And no one left seems equipped to handle a situation in which the whole club goes crazy or slacks off and just doesn't want to do the Amazing Race or some crazy shit like that...

Which reminds me that I have to draw up some stuff for astro before I go home tomorrow. Needa send out an email to the rest of the club and CC to Mr Lim, and then settle the prizes and make sure they get to the Dry Lab so that I can minimise the chances and devastation of a fallout... Which I'm predicting will kind of happen unless Mr Lim does something... Or Ben... Or if my EXCO finally grew the presence of mind to take charge and stuff...

Well, that's for astro I guess. There's cycling at night at ECP-Changi tomorrow night, and on Sat morning theres Lit class. Great right. So I'm going to sleep as early as possible today, then go for mentoring tomorrow morning and come back to sleep as much as possible. Then go home, and sleep... Then chiong for cycling, chiong home and chiong to school for lit and probably stay there liao la. its irritating to chiong here and there and be so tired anyways.

If only the stupid night cycling was on some other day, and not on the amazing race day. Now i know how scientists who have been doing a project for so long and get it snatched away due to lack of funding at the last minute feel. We worked so hard for the Amazing Race, and I won't be here to even see it. Sian.

Life is getting stupid again. Johno is getting really mean sometimes. It's so sad. I miss the old Johno. I miss the old times. And God, I miss Mr Ng... Our dearest newest mentor is just SOOOOOO great. Words fail me. *rolls eyes*. I hope I never have to have the mentor talking thing with him. I won't be able to stop myself from rolling my eyes at every single one of his sentences... *Sigh*

Anyways, the physics interest group seems to be taking off well on its own, under the care of Johno and YH. I mean, I didn't even know about the whatever talk or movie or thingie that happened today... Hmm. Too busy? But things have changed alot too I guess; people have been changing loyalties so much lately, and not only that, people seem to be getting like so much more evil nowdays. And distant. Distant is bad too. Kor barely talks to me, Johno daos me alot, even when he's using my com to play CS... lame right. I feel like a walk-over floormat sometimes. Conrad is playing GE everyday; sometimes I hope he fails something just so it wakes him up to stop wasting time on stuff like that... Though I'm not a very good example anyways.

And kor just doesn't seem to understand that he shouldn't be encouraging Rad to play GE, its all well and good if he can keep up with work and still put in playing time, but now its so very close to exams, and they're still maniacally playing, and obviously even though I know kor can do anything I don't think Rad should be playing; he's got to pass like EM spec together with the regular modules, and whatever he says, its not easy, what with Lit. And they're all slacking off for what seems like everything in the school; I can understand CCA slacking, and maybe some slacking for the acads, but he looks like he can't be bothered even for IR. it's like they go for IR, then rest for 2 weeks? The worst thing is that he doesn't listen to whatever I say, and everytime i ask him to study he avoids the question by trying to get me fed up, or by saying that I don't study either, or something... Sometimes I feel like saying that I'm not you, and anyways, even though I "don't study", I can still get relatively okay marks and grades. And he can't do that, but he insists that it's okay...At any rate, it's just worrisome bah...

Sometimes I forget that I'm not supposed to interfere with other people's lives. It's something you don't find easy to keep to when you're living in time. Anyway, I guess people have to learn their own lessons from their own mistakes. I can foresee myself worrying myself to death when I have kids...

Haizz. Whatever I guess. *Sian...*

It's amazing...

How you can feel all alone even though you're surrounded by friends.

Maybe my definition of friends are different huh? It's kinda hard to explain I guess...

Ate at Macs in the afternoon. It's always weird to be struck with deja vu, but this time it was kind of weirder. Think: continuous deja vu. I remember we used to go to Siglap Macs so many times after school; buy a studentmchickenmealupsizechangethedrinktoasprite... Then buy ice cream, stuff fries in it and eat it whole. Now, we hardly even eat at Macs anymore, or even eat together. Its so different. Everyone's so busy and stuff, and I guess they just don't have time for me anymore. Even kor's so busy now... Or something.

Bao's like missing from the eternal fabric of time since we got shifted into different classes, and obviously Mao has Roy and YH's always busy with flying and well work. And then there's like Conrae left, and he's so busy playing GE or whatever now that he really can't be bothered I guess. I end up getting more and more caught up in astro stuff (and animal physio), but even there no one seems to be serious about it.

Anyways, sitting alone in macs gave me loads of time to think about... well lots of stuff. Even though its not the same, I still enjoy some alone time. However, I think that now there's too much alone time. Aaron kept saying that I need to get out and mix around more and whatever, but that's wayy too exhausting. I dont know how everyone else seems to do it so easily. I's just not me I guess, and if I try to be someone else... It has always turned out bad, and I frankly don't see how it would be otherwise now.

And it's so difficult to just get people to sit down with me and just... be, I guess.  Everyone thinks that I have to be doing something, or studying, or they have something to do, or someone else comes in and takes them away if they're just relaxing off... It's so irritating. And I guess Johno is the only one who has the inkling to do that, but he's always back to CS now, and that's where the free time goes I guess. And yup, I'm back being alone again.

And I don't get why kor keeps saying that I need to learn how to be alone. I don't see him being alone. Things are easier to say if you're not going through them I guess, and i don't think anyone else is going through what I'm going through right now. I mean, I'm trying so hard not to just not to have a mental breakdown or anything, cause I seriously don't know what will happen to me. And everyone's just like, suck it up, or be happy... And I do have times that I'm happy. Yet, it doesn't mean that I'm all right, in every way possible. Everyone else seems to have something to do, or friends to play with, or people to talk to. Yet somehow that never seems to be the case.

In everyone relationship I see, I don't see something that lasts. It's not something which anyone can hold on too. It's like people have suddenly becomes so much less important in the "grand scheme of things" And being alone, no matter what the cool factor is, is not what I'll ever try to be in my life. If I didn't learn anything in Sec2, I'll still remember this from Contact time:

No Man is an Island

And yeah I guess one of the guiding principles in my life right now would be just that. The most important people in my life would be my friends. I'm not a big fan of my family, and I don't think there will ever be a correct time to talk things over with them anyway.

I guess, in the end, everyone is alone in one way or another. Whether you see it now, unless you have someone like my di, everyone's going to be alone in life. Say what you want, or argue or fight, but in the end, how many people will be with you when you die? Not watching you on your deathbed, even if its the most emotional scene ever, but dying, together with you, at the very same time, to head on the greatest journey ever together with you? Probably no one. Most likely, no one. Talk about being lonely.

It's a sad case of birthday fever

IT's weird to see people people receiving like a million presents. Especially if you're not chipping in for them. Either that, or its also weird to see people receiving EXPENSIVE presents when you know you didn't chip in for them. Hmm...

I don't really know bah... On one hand its always nice to see people getting presents, and everyone being so happy and all... Yet its kinda depressing to see the absolute number that some get I don't know; I'm not the type who's been really easy to make friends. I have a bunch of close friends, and that's about all I guess. I look at how people like Johno make friends and I don't know how anyone can actually keep up with that many people...

I guess it's also probably why I don't have so many friends. Part of the problem is that I would always choose a friend I can always depend on over sheer numbers. And that guiding principle has probably been why I don't subscribe to things like Facebook or Friendster or whatever. I would rather have people I know and love than run around trying to keep up with a hundred other friends. That's not what a friend should be at all.

Anyways... what with all the present giving and things, it's always kinda depressing for me. Sucks being short of cash eh... I can't buy things like iPods or 250GB hard drives. Usually the only thing I give to people is probably a happy birthday. Sad eh.

Even so, after concentrating on deepening my already present relationships, I still can't run away from the fact that I'm still alone in this world. No matter what, we're still going to drift apart, especially after we leave this school. It's already happened once; I don't see why not again. No one's going to follow me through life. No one's going to be there by my side, whether I like it or not. Sucks to be alone too...

Growing up is really really hard. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Sometimes it's just not worth to start friendships just to see them end. It's true, you know. I feel too much. I think too much. And I imagine scenarios of things to come, way too much.

Banal evils

I'll like to start off this post by saying that I'm sick. That's the banal evil, and it's something I can fight back.

My hate, on the other hand... one day it's gonna be the death of me. I'm quite sure of it.

Anyways, I have one more guy to really thank for everything I've been through, and he's none other than my di. Yupp. If you're reading this, know that I really appreciate everything you've done for me over the past hmm... almost 5 years. You've comforted me, stood up for me, protected me, helped me, fed me, and indeed shown me that the world isn't such a bad place after all. I will be a broken guy the day you die, so don't ever think about doing anything stupid ok? Know that I love you enough to take blows for you anytime, anywhere, and that I will see to it that you'll suffer as little as possible in your life. I'll always look out for you, no matter where you go or what you decide to do in life. Words can't easily express how much I care for you, but just know that without you, I wouldn't have survived these 5 years in Sec school and NUS High. You've helped me so much with your advice, to kill people who get in your way, and beat back enemies before they beat you, and always look out for friends... You're not only my di, but you're also my best friend and the person I owe the most to. Despite my changing schools, you still made time for me, even if it's just to chat online late at night when I was feeling down.

Whatever it is, you've been the greatest influence in my life, and helped me harden my heart enough to take blows without being crippled. Seriously, there is nothing I can do to make it up to you. So thanks, for all that, and more.

Now for the girls. Hmm.

YH: Apart from my di, you're a great influence on my life too. I've picked up some useful tips on how to make my point and speak up for what I think is right, but that's not all I wanted to tell you.

Thanks for always looking out for me, even when our classes have split and all. It's hard to keep up with the multitude of changes that keep coming, but you still care for me, enough to feed me and try to cheer me up when I'm down. Chinese will never be the same because of you (and Len), and I can bet I'll be failing even more miserably if you're not sitting next to me in Cheena. Lols...

MH: Good luck to you and your new boyfriend! XD. Always my dependable secretary for the laziest president on the planet, I don't know where I'll be if you weren't here. Well, for once, I'll never be in the Physics Interest Group. Hahas. It's all so weird even now. Always the smartest of everyone else and yet making it look so easy... That's our dear Mao for you. Your birthday's in a few days, and look at you, you're 17! Don't bite off more than you can chew though; and always remember we'll be right there when you need us.

Bao: You're super busy!!!! Relax la... Anyways, I think it's only with you and your super math coaching (a long time ago) that I'm not at the bottom of the Track 1 Math class now... Not only that, I guess I owe you for all the Faraday thingies you keep tying to me... Making me do things, making me cheer, making me enthu for ODAC and stuff... Without you, I know life will be so much more dead for me. So thanks for your companionship and for everyone in it, thanks for the ring XD!

Cass: Again, you've been with me since very near the start. Booking chalets, cheering everyone up, in short being the perfect PSL. Together with Mitch of course. Crap. Forgot to add him in. Sianz. Fine I shall do it here. Both of you have been one of my best friends since time immemorial, and as for Mitch, you've been the very embodiment of fun and more importantly, hope that there's always another way to look at bad things. As for Cass, it may be hard to be one of 2 girls in Track 1 math, but you've definitely helped me pull up my math, especially in Calc 2. We absolutely love complaining about our wonderful Math teachers. XD. So for both of you, thanks for being my critique partner on our teachers.

Gel: Our resident model councillor who can't bear to see even one thing done slightly contrary to the rules... GO GET BEN ALREADY LA!! WAH LAO.... What are you waiting for girl!? Sheesh. Anyways, you're always the person who we can depend on a complete update on homework, especially chinese... ZZZ. You're abysmally fun to hang out with, and even more fun to tease. I hope you don't change when you finally get married, cause we're gonna miss you. Apart from that, thanks for being always there when I need help. You're one of the bedrocks under my world, and serously, life would be alot less interesting without you.

(To Ben: don't kill me over this. I DID NOTHING!! RAWR.)

I'm officially pooped now... I know I've left out alot of very important people, but the medicine is kicking in, and I almost published a long string of "spaces and 'b's" cause I fell asleep (almost) on the keyboard. I'm gonna sleep now. Everything hurts...

A change of heart

Well since the last few posts have been super depressing... i decided to devote this entire post to... well you'll see.

First up is kor. I know you're not the kind to fuss over a di or whatever, and you're not the type to show nice-ness or anything mushy like that. I guess after taking into account all that, I'll have to say I'm really thankful that you can still somehow manage to show some sort of concern towards me. Thanks for your bread and all, but mostly, I thank you for just being there whenever I need you. I know it must be irritating and all, but sometimes I come over just to, well, I don't know how else to to put it, but just to be with you. I owe so much to you kor, and I don't know what I'm gonna do when I leave this school. Well kor, whatever it is, please remember that I'm here for you too.

It's so weird to write all these things out, but I guess its so much harder to say it out. Anyways...

To John: Thanks for being by my side for almost everything. I've been super depressed lately but you helped... even if it was a little. It's always nice to know someone cares enough to be even a little worried. I know you've been busy or something since you came back from your china trip or something, but you still looked out for me. Even now you're too busy to play with me much, but at least you try here and there, in little ways. And again, it's nice to know you care.

To Rad: I have decided to call you Rae from now on. It's so much cooler to have a nickname that no one knows how it came about. So yeah. I guess it's the same thing always; you've been with me since almost the beginning, and I owe you a million and more for just that alone. Have you ever noticed how when there's a discussion or when I make a point we always take opposite sides? I think that's veryvery interesting to note. Hmm. For now though, I won't have lived without you. Seriously. You're one of the things keeping me from killing myself one of these days. So yeah XD.

Josh: You're a bastard. Yet I still love you dearly. Weird huh? You're the person that I bitch to the most I think. I slack off so much with you that I think I'm getting addicted to it. Well, thanks for being there for me always. You don't talk to me about "What happened?" like Johno, but I know you still care about me. You're like the reason why I can bear to live through the days, and especially at astro. Well... I can only give you good wishes with your dearest girlfriend. XD

Aaron: HATES YOU. Yet I still love you. I think I torture you the most, seeing that I stay with you. Well, you should have gotten used to it already, so I don't see why I need to stop. You're this evil bastard who just loves to ignore me when you're watching House, and forcing me to open the locked door and dragging me to buy food with you and stuff. Well, you're gonna get back everything you throw to me tenfold, anf even more if possible. BEWARE OF THE NEXT WAR!! RAWR!!!

Lennard: I'm gonna keep pressing those nerves. It's so fun watching you squirm in your seat when I do that. Well seriously, thanks for making life in 5D so much more interesting. And making chinese sort of bearable. Sort of. It's fun to talk to you, and more fun to torture you. I'm really sorry that you're sorta like my punching bag (poking bag? pressing bag? o.O), but know this: We all love you. So play nice too k? Hahas...

Ryan: You really are an asshole. I guess we've sorta grown apart, and it's probably sorta my fault. Whatever it is, I remember all my debts. And believe me when I say I still owe you, BIG TIME. And yes, I still love you dearly, though you always seem to be busy with stuff when I go over, whether it's games or sleep or just slacking off with someone else. Well, it's your life, and I respect that, but sometimes it hurts when you don't talk to me. Don't forget k?

Wow. I'm really tired, and I've like not even done with the guys. I'm not really looking forward to continuing this tomorrow, but I WILL FINISH THIS. Zzz.

I'm gonna sleep now. Really tired. *aches from ODAC* Climbing kills muscles you never knew you had.

Just when you thought all was safe...

It's not. The one place where I wouldn't have to fear to see him, but no, I can't even be granted this one certainty.

What is he doing in my cluster!? Argh I can't stand it. I can't stand him. GET LOST! He goes on and on about how his life sucks and he has no friends but he goes around like... GAHHH. I hate him now. I feel like he's stealing away my life, my friends.

THEY'RE MINE! GO AWAY!!

GAH!!!! I swear I will one day... I can't stand that stupid little twerp. *goes out and drinks milk*

Everytime I see him I just see red. I can't stand him at all, and I'm afraid I'll do something I'll regret if I keep seeing him. For the first time, I found myself wishing evil on someone just because I hate him now. I wish he won't ever grow up, if that's what he wants so desperately. ARGH.

I can't stand the way he's just taking over my friends and my life. Apparently he talks to alot of people on msn. So there. Just don't interfere with MY friends, cause to me, you're just an enemy now. You don't matter anymore to me, except if you stand between me and my friends, or whatever they want. I will not spare you, and I owe you nothing. I have paid my debts in full, and I owe you nothing. I have forgotten any favour I've performed; it is thus I owe you nothing. There are no favours, no debts, no love, nothing between us from now on. And on my di, I swear that things will never be the same again. This is one thing I will never forgive, let alone forget. An unbridgeable chasm now separates us; I won't ever try to cross it, and if you know better, you wouldn't even try. 

I don't want you in my life anymore. And yes, I would like it alot if I could simply forget you and I were ever friends. Better yet, I wish I never even met you.

*Half an hour later*

I think I'm calm. But I really can't take much more of this. It's just revealing how hate-filled I can be, and I've been snapping at so many people lately. I don't expect half of them to care, and I don't expect half of them to understand either. I just expect them to ignore it. It isn't me, and I'm just afraid I'll hurt someone. Both literally and figuratively.

Whatever. I'm going to sleep.

I'm losing it

I don't know if I'm just imagining it or something, but in chinese night lesson he seemed to keep looking at me. I really can't be sure. I'm seriously losing it. I need to get away.

runn-away. yeah.

I'm suffering.

I'm drowning.

I'm dying, and no one seems to notice.

Everything seems unreal to me in the day; I'm beginning to feel reality only when I read, or more often, during the times where I lie in bed and think whether all this is real or not. The chinese test tonight already seems so far away... Tomorrow I've gotta go out and make shirts. It's almost certain that I'm going to view it as unreal tomorrow night...as of Wednesday's tests.

The world is hollow, rotten from its core all the way out.

I don't even know how I cut myself last night. i don't even remember how I cut myself. I don't even know whether I cut myself subconsciously, or I scratched myself on something.

There's something seriously wrong with me.

Maybe I've been hurt by him. "A friendship lost is an act of betrayal". Wise words, from a wise mouth, from a wise friend. I'm glad I still have my di. I wish things were otherwise, but...

I've lost my soul; I've lost my heart, I've lost my will.

Save me. He who knows what it's like to be the last one standing.

Lost

I currently don't know what to do. I think I absolutely hate him, but at the same time I still care. The miseries of a heart that's soft...

I am suffering under delusions; worried sick of events way beyond my control. I should have been concerned about so many other things, but no... Fate decides that right now, right here, I have to carry this plague with me.

The library is a horrible place. He was there; I don't know if I'm avoiding him or not. I sat at a table really far away; yet somehow Providence (or Irony) brought him to my table. Of course, along with a host of other, irritating people.

I don't know. For the first time in a long time I have no options to carry out. Whether this is because of stress, or because I've been so numbed about previous events, or simply because I'm tired... We'll see eventually, I guess. But for now, I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing; I seem to be waiting, but... I don't know.

I miss him, though. If nothing else, I have lost a dear friend. Maybe he was one who I haven't treated really well. I hope not, but if so, I'm sorry. Maybe it was his fault, and I simply gave up trying to accommodate him anymore. Maybe he just wasn't living up to what I thought a best friend should be. It's hard to find those nowadays. Everyone's so frightened, about something they shouldn't be afraid of, at all. Every little thing seems dangerous; a risk. People have forgotten ways of friends of old, where the very fact that you loved someone would be enough reason to do things you never knew, you never would do.

Times change. The people change along with it.

Bullshit

The hostel is so full of bullshit. Yes. It's an expletive. I don't really care what they do now, cause they're just trying to be stupid and not trying to think for themselves for once.

I mean, sheesh, Foo just came up with the stupidest statement anyone could have made. "If your grades show improvement, you can get out of the programme (study time in library)."

Firstly, our CAP is calculated on a semestral basis; as the boarding master of NUS High school, Don't you think he should have known that??!! Sheesh!! What an ass man... It's impossible to pull any sort of grades up that much unless you miraculously get a 5 this semester, and on top of that be like super close to the 3.5 cutoff grade anyway. And he talks like you can drop out anytime, like once you get a good grade on the next test, you can get out of it... And it's suppose to be motivation for us. BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Uber funny, the way their mind works.

I knew it right from the start, the foo was a bad person. that's why, right from the start, I didn't like him. But no... everyone said I was being too negative, too pessimistic. Give him a chance, they said. He'll be nice. Now look. Still think I'm wrong?

No one listens to me when everything is going fine; not once has anyone actually listened and heeded me. Ironical. People usually say I'm not taking in the big picture. But I see further, know more and intuit so much deeper. Too bad I guess, for those who don't listen, and remember.

Whatever. Now isn't the time for I-told-you-so's. It is the time to take action against this. As this was written, I have already sent out an email to Ms Bong. I'm going to ask my dear parents to send in emails and letters. This useless hostel program had better be gotten rid of, and soon, or else it is going down. If not my parents, then some other parents. If not parents, teachers will start complaining that because of the stupid wastage of 2 hours in the early evening, students are forced to stay up late till like 2-3am, and therefore are too tired to hand in quality homework, or even stay awake in class.

So there. They wanted a battle; let's make it one to remember. Mr Lim once said to ask for whatever you want to see; Gandhi said that you have to be the change you want to see in the world. Mr Ng said do whatever you want, just don't get caught; many other teachers have said to always stand up for the right thing. And I respect all these teachers, and all their teachings, no matter what the subject or life lessons. And for these teachings I now stand up to the hostel; let them come. Let them try to fight back. Like I said; they wanted a battle. We're going to fight for what is right, for what's good for us, for what we want, and for the many generations of Yr 5s who are going to have to suffer through this. we will be a testament to them; the cohort which never gave up, and made this dratted world a little better for them to live in.

Let no one even try to stop me. If they mind it so much, take it up some other day, some other time. But right now, my fight is not with you. I've had wnough of the techniques of force used on us; they even threatened Aaron with an hourly report if I didn't go down for study time. And with that, they made it personal. I may break a few school rules now and then, but there are a few I never break; likewise, I live by a few principles that I have never, am never going to, and will never break. And one of these is that if you mess with my friends, you mess with me. NEVER try to get leverage over me by threatening my friends. This is between you and I, don't even think of sinking so low as to attack others. Because if you do... you'll get it. Hard, from me.

And don't try to dissuade me from anything. This is my mind, made up. If you don't like it, I'll deal with you some other day. As John said; the people that matter don't mind, but the people that mind... they just don't matter at all.

No... That's not it

And yes, we're back to the same old argument again. And it's always sad to lose a friend, and have to go through the uncertainty of your relationship ever being made up or whatever... It's time to finally understand the meaning of the haiku:

A world of dewdrops.

And in every drop of dew;

A world of struggle.

Well... It's life I guess.

It sucks so much it makes you want to bite off your own tongue or drown yourself sometimes... Just a few days before Tioman, I found out a new way the world can kill you. Not you physically; they reserve that for the most basest and banal of crimes. After all, physical death is the type of death least painful to endure.

No, no; this is the way they kill us; our ideals, our creativity, our very souls. If not by letting you see their point of view, then by making you see their point of view; if not by making you see their point of view, then by making theie point the only one that matters.

I guess it's just another form of control to them; it's always easier to control anyone if they all wear the same things, do the same things, eat the same food. In other words, conform. And a few days ago, I learned I had to be myself in some other way.

How absolutely oxymoronic. But they expect you to do it. After all, if someone else can pay that price for conformity... why not you?

I won't give up though. Call me rebellious, call me whatever you like; I've seen too much, known too much, and I have too much to do to be bogged down by such moronic bindings and strictures. I've known too many people who've had that same spark; some who have lost it by now, some who lasted longer, and others who still stand up for what's fair and good and right. And I've caught that same spark, and known how much it has to hurt to keep it, just as how I used to imagine fireflies would burn in my hand once I caught them. But keep it I will. If not for me, then for my friends who lost the battle. If not now, then one day, when I have the power, and the will, and the right to show it... They'll see. They won't kill my soulfire; not with things like this. Not against a spark, or a flame, but a blazing inferno.

I guess a lesson here is that you should never rule by fear. Or intimidation. Or manipulation. You get followers, yes... agents which do their job to the best they can. Yet, agents, who you can never trust, because of the very fact that though the sealed the deal, the deal is not on your agenda. It's on theirs. Doing the wrong thing, for the right reason... bindings take on a life of their own, and sometimes metamorphose into something that you will never expect it to be... Something like that is almost certain to come back and bite you in the butt. Unpredictability... Of all people, we should be the ones who know how fast the weather can change.

Some people just don't understand

And I know only one who does.

I thank God for bringing me to Tioman and getting to see all that nature in all its glory. And I learned so much more in those few days than I'll ever learn in a few weeks. And I can love it, all at the same time. And I believe that's how learning should be; you don't learn or study or whatever because you have to, or because someone forces you to, or because you need a good start in life. You learn because you want to; you learn because you love it, because you want it, because right here, right now, there's nothing else you would rather do.

When Mr Ng left us last night, the last thing I said to him was "Have fun." It wasn't "Go learn something," or "Earn loads of money," or even "Get a wife." He left because he had to; but he went to Shanghai because he wanted to.

When Alain left to Australia, I didn't tell him to "Come back with a degree", or "Hook up with an Aussie girl". All I said to him was to have fun. Yes; I told him to study hard; but I never told him to study every night from 8-9.30, then do homework from 9.30 to 10.30.... He left because he wanted to; I bet he's over there, studying because he wants to, not because he's forced to do so.

When I left, no one told me to force myself to study really hard cause I was in a "smart person school" now. I went because I chose to; I've always studied because I chose to.

See a pattern? Apparently no one does. It's not reason enough to say that since you're supposed to be studying anyways, what difference does it make to go to the library? And it's equally not right to say that our boarding rules are so lax compared to other schools; just go down and study in the library.

If the library is such a wonderful place to study, why isn't everyone going down there? Why isn't the whole boarding school willingly going down there? There is, after all, no reason to force someone to do something that they already like, and is useful to them.

So what if you think I should go down to the library to study. That's an opinion; you don't have any right to force me to go down, just because you think it's good for me. I don't even trust you, in every aspect of my life. Why should I trust you that's it's better down there? God never left the choice of salvation just open like that; He had to make himself like us, small, fragile, pathetic, gain our trust, then open up the possibility of saving us. In the end, it's still our choice. He still cannot do anything if we don't choose Him.

And I don't see the reasoning behind: "If he can do it, so can you.". Are you stupid?! Just because someone studies because he's forced to, doesn't mean I work that way. Haven't you heard of the expression, "Everyone is unique.". Most people nowadays think it's just a fancy way of saying that no one is really special, that mentality has just spread, and become so much worse. So be it.

Let the world rot. I'll be leaving it in about seventy more years anyway.

And they say Singapore kids are getting apathetic. Ask yourselves; just who are the people who stifle creativity, choke uniqueness and discourage individuality?

Tioman

IT WAS FUN!! We're going back there next Sept hols. I hope. And it's as 5D, so anyone who's not personally invited had better stay out of it. XD

We really had fun at tioman, though it could have been much better without alot of the people there... Still, it isn't something you get to experience everyday; the magic of a sunset stroll on the beach, of being close enough to a shoal of fish to almost touch them but yet slow enough to never be able to, to have no worries, really small cares and the company of friends. It could have been better, but it was good enough.

I lost a snorkel though. Had to pay like 80 RM, so I owe Vanessa like 40 SGD now. Haizz.

The place was damn nice; snorkelling was the greatest thing we could do there, but it was so worth it... And it's great that I actually had an underwater camera. Took some photos, but too bad I'm totally blind underwater, so I had a really hard time even swimming around. I need to like get at least 900 degreee goggles. They'll be really useful.

Fun as it was, it's really great to be back too. At least, I have a whole bed to myself. My back hurts from sleeping sideways, my ear is sore cause I lay weirdly on it on a pillow, and I have been freezing for the past 3 nights. Lennard's a good blanket stealer.

However fun Tioman was, there was always the nagging thought at the back of my mind, and it sort of ruined things for me a little. Firstly there was mr ng leaving, of course... But apart from that there was homework and all that. It's really horrible to be on a holiday and have to keep worrying about other stuff. Even though I didn't do that alot, still... it could have been better.

I want to go back there again. Whether as a Teacher Advisor next year or on our own as 5D, I want to go back again. I need to get away from all the things here, and just focus on having fun or hanging out with people or relaxing. I don't want to worry about school, or work, or people that I hate... I need more time to myself, and more time to spend with those I love. I need more time to just watch sunsets, and poke around in the inter-tidal areas, and snorkel and marvel at what He's given us. Right here, and right now, we just can't do it.

Well, I have all my life to go back I guess. But before my youth and capacity for having fun and ignoring bad things runs away, I want to go back one more time. And it's always nice to know that, if in such a weird place which isn't even that famous we can find such beauty and serenity, wouldn't there be so much more of that elsewhere in the world?

I believe

That kor is a good person inherently... Even though he's sometimes really evil to me. He's a good person and a great kor.

That people are, in general, all either backstabbers, spiritbreakers, or slave owners. Especially hostel.

That sometimes friends are more trouble than their worth. Still, it saddens me alot.

That you can never be too busy for a friend. In more ways than one, this applies alot to my life.

That some people ought to be shot. And spat upon. And put away and ignored. Japooooon!

That up to now, I'm still not happy. No one can listen, no one can understand, and the person who can do all that is not with me.

That I was a fool to leave Temasek. Baka... If you have everything going for you, don't give it up.

In standing up to what is correct and right. I don't care what they say, what they do or what they tell you to do, but if it's not fair and just and has no reason to be complied with, I don't think you should do it if you don't want to. So there.

That I am not enjoying this school. At all.

That I am losing friends. Too many, too fast. I don't believe this; I know it. And no matter what others say, I know it's true, and it's happening, and not the way most people think.

That I owe no debts to the people whom I block, dao, or hate. I've already paid my debts, in full.

That I am severely depressed. I'm actually thinking of killing myself, then thinking that I'm being stupid. It's weird seeing myself so detached.

That I should be going to sleep right now. It's past midnight, and my arm hurts. Good night.

6000 km and counting...

My fingers hurrt. Alot. Thanks to Lennard.

Ah, I'm ok... mostly. Really tired from China and I have some sort of diarrhoea (its correct spelling!) as a souvenir too. Nice right.

Anyways I liked the plane ride best. Having people serve you drinks and stuff is all nice and stuff, but it's even better when they actually ask you what you want. And the airplane food was the best food I could handle so far, with the exception of the pizza hut incident...

We went over to the airport at like 6am last Tuesday, and it's been whirlwind-ish since then. Sat on plane. Arrived in Shanghai Pudong. Sat on bus (grr no maglev train) to hotel. Slacked off for rest of night after small briefing. Went out to buy food at night (illegal much!!) Went to buy like drinks (2L bottle omgomg) and saw a KFC.

Second day was horrible, was supersuper hothothothot.... Like even hotter than Singapore la, and I thought that was impossible on it's own. Not only that we went to walk here and there and they brought us to so many freaking places... some museum, then a robot testing thing that was super dusty... And we discovered a hands-on of the effect of expansion and contraction of gases; Josay's bottle was like empty and he capped it outside in the super hot air, then we went inside to the robot lander thing and put it in front of the aircon and it shrunk so much that the bottle sort of piaked... Which was super cool. And there was this mini-science centre thing that had a Jacob's ladder and some Bernoulli's principle behind it. All it did was make stuff float like without hovering, I think Mao has some pics...

And if I remember correctly we went out again to buy food cause for lunch or some late 4.30 tea we ate at this restaurant which you had to cook your own food and they had little fire pots and stuff to do that with... Something like our steamboat in Singapore except the cooking pot was individual. It was cool. So we went to this super-market in the afternoon and bought like some stuff (food, more drinks, etcetc. Did you know that their drink cans are 355 mL? WOW), and our dear Mao and Shenrong bought 400 yuan of stuff. From a supermarket!! Like a toy walkie talkie, loads of food, a heart shaped flyswatter... ZZZ

Anyways we went out again in the night and took a taxi all the way back to the supermarket. Found it closing so we went to buy bubble tea outside and walk walk abit. Decided to walk back, then saw this little igloo thingie selling CDs and DVDs. At 16 yuan for one. NOT PIRATED. OMG. (exchange rate: 1SGD:5YUAN) So we bought some stuff (I didn't :D) and slowly waled back. On the way we saw a streetside shop selling DVDs. Again we bought a few (I didn't :D) but when we tested them back at the hotel they were lousy quality. REALLY LOUSY QUALITY. But who cares. I think they were like 1 sing dollar each? lols

So beginith out third day. We went to this science centre-like place, and I bought the penguin from there. XD But more importantly, we had great fun going in some of their exhibits and playing around. There was the mystery of reproduction or something, and in the end cause me and Mao and the scholars went to watch some Dinosaurs 3D (in chinese!!) movie we couldn't see the light exhibits. (jack+josay didn't go watch with us. Lucky them.) So we missed out on the physics-y part of the whole science centre. But it's ok cause we went to this observation tower that had 200 stories later. There was a rollercoaster inside but it was closed. Sad right. The main thing was, you could see like reallyreally far away, and it was so much fun... you could see how much pollution there was in the air, it was super hazy, but we still managed to take loads of photos. And we had fun riding the elevator, which rose at a speed of 7m/s and stopped in 48 seconds. And there was this human recorder inside who was the guide, but they all sounded like they simply memorised the lines instead of knowing what they meant. I mean it was like chinese, which was okay, then Jap, which sounded flat, then english, which REALLY sounded flat. It was worse cause all she did was stare blankly into space when she said that. It's so much like a memorised script.

We went to this museum thingie which was like 100km long and spun like a maze inside. The whole history of Shanghai was there, and the times were represented by wax figures. Which was veryvery scary. And apparently people kept throwing money into the exhibits where there were ships, so a running joke was that there was money to be found floating on the surface of the seas and rivers of shanghai. and on the ships themselves, cause some people missed I guess.

We went to this floating restuarant at night, ate there and drank wine hahahas. Then kena confiscated when the waiter came around and said "your teacher doesn't allow you to drink." Sad right. What a waste of good wine. Anyways it was the Shang Hai Tan or something; basically it was on the river, and there were so many lights and we took loads of pics hahas.

On friday we had a rocket competition at a school. You had to have your rocket stay in the air the longest, and we used gunpowder for the fuel!! Super cool. And they had a demonstration later of the water rockets, which were called "水火箭", and we heard "水果箭". So we though they were launching fruit rockets instead of water rockets. Super funny I tell you...

Anyways we won first prize. Mao, Shenrong, Tianwei and me. Yay for glory to our school... lols. We went to this 古城 afterwards (some old city next to the school.), and bought some stuff again. Took loads of pics, and I paid 3 yuan for a stone. It's a pumice stone, the stone that floats on water. REALLY COOL. Though abit the ripped-off, though yet againit's only 60 singapore cents, so... Ah well. Went back to hotel super tired only to be told to go to watch the quiz round. We sent Hongbo. Didn't win anything from our school, (not his fault!!) but still kinda sian. Was too tired la I guess.

On Saturday we went to this temple (apparently a temple, I didn't even know it was a temple until I looked at the itinery in English. It was super modernised and was more of a shopping street than anything else.) Anyways Shenrong bargained green lasers from 500 yuan (crazy. super marked up.) to 93.75 yuan for us. (3 lasers 95 yuan, last laser 90 yuan) Even better, these were 10 milliwatt lasers. COOLIOUS. BEST PURCHASE EVER!!! HAHAHAS.

bought some stuff for njw and Mr Lim cause they're leaving. bought torches. bought some souvenirs. Saw this old woman who asked for a bottle from josay (you know like in singapore they collect cans of drinks to sell for scrap. apparently bottles are collected in Shanghai more, cause I saw two old people collecting bottles on the whole trip.) She was super happy when josay gave her his bottle of drink. I still had to much to quickly drink up, but only after we walked away Mao realised that she had an empty bottle of water in her bag. So we turned back to give her the bottle, and she was like super happy... So cute. I almost donated money to her hahas... What a nice old woman.

We walked past the laser seller like three times to get that bargain, and that was the least of everything. There was so much bargaining, and sometimes when we decided we didn't want to buy it the shopkeepers would scold us. Some people are horrible. Ate at pizza hut. Spent exactly 150 yuan for all 5 of us (tianwei hongbo went off on their own, and pocket money was 30 yuan per person. So 6 sing bucks for lunch. Total price=30 sing bucks for a pizza hut meal for 5. Isn't that just so nice. Don't you wish you stayed there... cheap meals, cheap goods, cheap everything... How nice for njw... except the heat)

Bought loads of stuff at the chenghuang temple place. Laser, torches, a drawing of sorts for mr ng... and mr lim. anyways we then went to a museum and all we did there was slack and sit down. Then came nanjing road. What a horrible road. It's like super long road of high-class shopping, and we had to walk down the entire length of it. Saw a Breadtalk at the end (面包新语, not 面包讲话)， bought 3 pieces of bread and ate them all... Also found this shop selling some ice-kachang like dessert. Bought the strawberry (草莓) one, and Mao bought the green bean (green bean juice!) and jack bought the mango flavoured one (芒果). Learned alot of new cheena words then XD. I should stay in China longer man... I'll probably get like a C or even a B in chinese soon.

Nanjing road is really long. That's what I learned too. Hahas...

We had this closing ceremony where we sort of crashed the whole hotel restaurant serving us... They gave us a rocket (which btw we already bought before, so mao shenrong tianwei and me have 3 rockets yay... ) and some souvenirs. Discovered by word of mouth that there WAS internet, all you had to do was plug ur com into the lan port. sian right... didn't know at all. Anyways, packed up and prepared to go home.

We sat on the Maglev train on the way back to the airport. So fun. So fast. I have some pictures of the train's speed, it went up to 400+ km/hr. Half the speed of the plane. Almost. Cool right. The waiting for the train took 15 mins, but the ride itself lasted 8 minutes only. Kinda retarded... Well, went back to the airport and went home. Josay got caught at like every check-point... First was his check-in luggage kena caught cause he had too many batteries/lasers/etc in his pencil case. Passed eventually after he opened it up and stuff.

When we got past immigration he kena again. They saw the gunpowder rocket and I think panicked a little. Opened it up and like peered inside. LOL. Poor josay.

Asked for cards in flight, saw a sunset through a window in the plane (not window seat but still can see abit. So cool.), landed, passed immigration, took bag, bought macs (i bought a big mac meal and upsized it just to get the cup XD.) and took a taxi back to school with the scholars. And yup, I'm back here again XD. Loads of tests and stuff, but who cares. I didn't go to school today. Had diarrhoea and was really tired. Ah well. I'm going out to eat now. Lol. *HUNGRY*

FRIDAY'S HERE

First thankies baobao... Now its 9.23 in the morning, and we got drama liao.

The year 4s are damn funny; they could actually have a fight when they were having PE. Which was amazing. Lucky Mitchell was right there la. Stopped the two idiots, apparently one of them is Jensen and the other is some unknown guy. But seriously, how old are you man... And I don't care what the reason might be I don't think it's correct to really start fighting and beating each other up all of a sudden. This is what our school stands to produce man... Haizz.

Anyways me and Aaron spent the whole time looking at them through binocs; right after they started fighting Aaron took out his binocs and we just stared at them, like birds or something. It was quite hilarious, then we decided to look throught the little gaps in the metal grille instead of over the whole thing, cause it was getting abit too obvious, and we were afraid someone would like come find us and all. But it was still great entertainment.

Coming back to the thing that really matters, thanks Bao for writing that... But it's still rather saddening and all though. Something tells me that it's probably not going to fix itself before school gives out at the end of the year. And that's the way it goes I guess...

No school today, the most wonderful day of the week... Friday rocks. No ODAC cause I gotta go for the China trip briefing, and even then I have a feeling that I'm gonna be late for astro too. And yeah, that's it for now, and I think I'll spend the entire day sleeping or something. *Hopefully*

Happy Birthday!! XD

I decided to not post this in the same paragraphs or something with all those depressing things... So this is my lighter note:

BIRTHDAY SHOUTOUT TO SPONGE!! MY BEST FRIEND SINCE FOREVER, AND BEST DI EVER!!

IR my ass

Look at it this way; it's tearing apart the whole level. I've seen more of my IR group and my mentor than some people who I live next to. Together with the coincidental slurry of people travelling here and there, going to conferences, going and coming back overseas... I hate it.

It wasn't always like this. People didn't use to be too busy or too stressed out to even spend some time with their friends. Once there was a time when our timetables were fuller; yet we still somehow found the time to go out and catch a movie, or slack around, or just spend time with friends. Yet now we're rarely having back-to-back lessons from 8am to 5.30pm like we used to in Year 3 or 4, but we only seem to be able to relax, let our hair down and slack off willingly when there's like, Frisbee. Or DOTA. Or CS. I never needed games to be able to spend time with my friends; it's something we've forgotten here in this school. Of all our chances to just have fun and relax with each other, there's no better time. And no one seems to see that, and they may say everything about how I'm so slack and not motivated, but still... they've lost it. And I lose them. Probably forever.

It pains me to lose anyone; not losing anyone was one of the things I promised myself when I hit Sec 1. And as it turns out, there're many ways in which those words could be interpreted; but the main reason I swore those things to myself was to prevent me from causing the loss of any one of my friends. And it's just not working out here.

I'm already giving up; it doesn't matter whether I'm able to save everyone of them, or hold on to everyone. But still, a big part of me wants that to happen. But it knows that if even my best friends are drifting away... it must be serious. If I can't count on these people, who am I going to have to count on?

Situational awareness; most people here have just forgotten that, forgotten it as if it never existed. I remember every debt I ever owed; not just in the most basic terms as of money, but of favours done for me, with things done with me, with time spent with me. And people don't seem to get that at all. They're leading all their selfish lives, going all on without thinking about what they're really doing. And that's just sad; they can't see something right in front of their eyes, but can calculate velocities and predict mechanisms and remember facts. It's so ironic.

It's hard to lose friends, but even harder to have to live through the losing process of a best friend, to see things degrade in front of your very eyes, and have no power to do anything to change it.

It's hard to stand by and observe. It's hard to wait and cross your fingers and hope that something can change in time, or to wish that things could go back to before, or hope that past problems won't repeat themselves.

It's hard to be a Watcher.

The darkest day in theo's history

Today is a sad day in the history of theo. Oh it was fun. Bio quiz. Then sleeping. And singing in the Ms Kong Fan Club. (Ms KFC).

Tomorrow I'll have cake for breakfast. Hooray. Fun eh. But not my life. I miss temasek. I miss my friends, both of the past and those that were there just 2 months ago. People change. Sometimes I can't help but feel, for the worse.

IR tomorrow. Yay. Before that, Inorganic Chem. After IR, sleep. And wish Sponge a happy birthday. Sometimes I feel I have the potential to be either a goth or a totally hyped up person. I'm like a needle, just waiting, dancing, shivering on a knife's edge. Ready to fall. Soon.

Bad things are happening. Once again, soon. It's on my board; "a chill wind passes, and I dread the day I ask: 'Are we still friends?'"

Good night. And thanks for even coming here.

Gray Sky Morning

WHOO no blogging in a long time... Had astro last night, which was really tiring cause of little kids running around... It makes you wonder if we deserve it for causing our own seniors so much trouble. And if only when we were younger if we hadn't caused them so much trouble, would we be getting trouble right now?

Anyways, Mr Ng has apparently found a new job. Wow what a nice way to end a half year "not working" spree. XD. He's leaving on 12 August, and I have a feeling it's at about 5 something according to the schedule on the SIA website. It's so useful. Yet kinda not sure if you don't have real places and dates of the flights. So we'll see.

We're thinking of meeting up with him on that day, at least those who can. There's PE on that day at 4.30pm, so yeah we had better just try to get back on time. If his flight is even at 5pm hahas.

It's so sad. But a part of life I guess. I'm going to cry... Haizz.

On a lighter note, China trip is next week. Briefing on 18th (a Friday), and then we're off. Hooray. Haizz I really hope most of us can go see Mr Ng off. Really alot of things happening; China, Tioman, Mr Ng leaving, just finished some scouts-astronomy collaboration. IR just started, and we're like going to Japan to present our project when we're done...

Sometimes I wish I had a friend from Temasek here. Just watched the Temasek videos again; read my Espace profile thing, which said that I was going to join water sports... It's such a long time ago that we did that, and so many things have changed since then. And seeing all the Temasek people in the video, I wished I was still with them. Many things have indeed changed... I need to go back to them one day. I'm going to cry again... Today's a sad day for me I guess.

It just shows how easy it is for me to fall apart I guess. And I can't help but think how we're all falling apart already, and going our own seperate ways. Johno isn't coming over alot anymore to slack with me; Raddy doesn't talk as much to me anymore. Kor's the same as always; he's mellowed a little and puts up with my crap abit more... YH and MH and even Bao are so busy nowadays, what with flying, or IR or council, it's hard to find time to even talk with them. Aaron's doing his music stuff, Pam and Char and even Michelle are doing their new band thing, or some other music stuff... Ryan's always DOTAing or in Counterstrike Source; Mel's kinda going for alot of of symposiums and stuff and I'm not seeing her as much as before... And a whole host of other people are always too busy to like just DO stuff.

I feel like going out with sponge. That's what best friends do. It's also something I haven't done in a long time. Everytime we go out I have to drag someone along with me, and it always just feeling like they're tagging along, instead of having fun. And there's always the feeling like tehy would rather not be here at all, and it spoils the whole thing. Even from Johno...

I really miss the old days. And yeah I almost cried again...

Looking out my window now, all I see are clouded skies, and oddly enough, they're exactly how my life feels right now. And I know you're supposed to look for silver linings and ray of sunshines, but sometimes, like now, it's horribly difficult.

I have so much to do now, and it feels like Alain leaving all over again.

I will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER do anything like that to my friends. Ever.

I can't. And I won't. I did it once. And now I know how they felt. And I've left them far behind. It's just not worth it. Not one bit. And so guys; I'm sorry. I'll be back one day. I just need you people to wait. And believe. And trust me, even though I don't deserve it at all. Cause one day, I'll be back. And this time, I'll be the one waiting for you to come back.

I love you all.

I'm FAT!!!

meaning: First-Aid Trained

CERTIFIED FIRST AIDER!!. (finally. what a lame course XD)

Yesterday was... manymany feelings. Johno went away. I'm so scared he'll never come back... Yet some weird part of me thinks he probably will. I wonder why?

Also, on Friday, something weird, wonderful and absolutely great happened. Something unexpected happened too. And something horribly, horribly un-needed, unwanted, and GAH happened too. Start guessing.

Well, in the weird yet wonderfully, absolutely great category, we have Johno being our new ODAC Captain!!!. WHOOOOOO. Shuhui's our new Vice-Captain!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOO. Yet it's kinda sad cause this also implies that the Yr 6's won't be with us for very long, (like one more week?) and that's why handover is like now. So ODAC will be shrunk to a meagre six Yr 5's and one Yr4. Or something like that.

The thingies in the "unexpected" category should have to go to... well that kor went to basketball practice. Also, my toaster works perfectly, after giving me some troubles at first... o.O Don't have to change it liao XD. Astro cleanup day was an enormous success; next thing to think about will have to be "Youthniversal Studios" for Youth day and the upcoming (hopefully) astro outing to some astro convention. One more thing to go in here; astro's pizza was dedicated to me after some big mouth (nope I'm not saying any namesMAOWEE!) told Mr Lim Thursday was my birthday. So yeah.

For the horribly un-needed, unwanted, and GAH-rish happenings... well, there's only one these two days, and it has to do with ODAC. *says no more* If you know, good for you!! XD. If you don't PISS OFF. You can't be a friend. At all. zzz

Anyways, back to the first point; just finished the first aid course XD. Feels really free now. Like I don't need to worry if I fail it sometime in the future. It's an extremely libertaing feeling. I like it XD...

I hope Johno's OK... China must be really weird for us CHEENA-illiterate. I threatened him with disMEMBERment if he came back a chinese genius. (which basically means no more father's day to all you socially and sheesh kinda people -.- AND NO, I didn't find a way to force him to wear condoms for the rest of his life; and though that kinda has the same effect, it's not entirely the same procedure... o.O)

*feels excited about Tioman, even though it's like more than a month away* I guess I feel excited about going overseas with friends alot. There's also MY china trip. Which I'm mentally prepping myself for. XD

Birthday surprises...

It's one of those things where you think really should have noticed, but you don't until the thing actually happens and is over. Kor and Johno disappeared yesterday for like so long, and I was like actually wondering what happened to them... And then I went for AXIS and then filming of the weird thing for ODAC and astro, and then I was super tired and went to slack off in my room... That's probably why I didn't notice anything weird at all. Or maybe they're really good at hiding things from me. Hmm...

Anyways, it's really nice to be loved like this... Johno HAD to go out and buy stuff that I was only joking about getting... like a new Bluetooth adapter thingie cause my com doesn't have built in Bluetooth. Thanks to everyone who bought stuff for me and especially to everyone who wished me today; it really means alot to me. *loves you all*

Another thing to note is how kor's gotten alot nicer to me in the past few days, and especially so today. He's been less suanning, so much more supportive and muchmuch more KINDER then... well ever. Thanks kor for even trying; you're the best!! XD

I had a spat with Johno yesterday about something stupid... Reduced to tears in the end. I don't know; I suddenly remembered he was going to like go away for a longlonglong time and I couldn't like let him leave without at least trying to patch things up with him cause he may not come back and all, but by then I had already stormed off into my room and I didn't know what to do so I decided to like just go to sleep... Then Conrad came in and started saying things which made me feel even worse but I guess he was correct and I love him for doing so cause well, everything's all right with everyone now. Thanks to Raddy for always being there for me! XD. And look. I'll always be looking out for you too, whenever you need me man...

Anyways it's getting really late and I'm getting rather tired and tomorrow there's no lesson except CHEENA and CCA and mentoring... Gonna be really boring man. And I gotta change my bag to the new one XD. ZINC ROCKS XD!!

Once again, thanks to everyone who made this day special for me. I don't forget the old debts, and you'll be surprised at the convenient time I usually pay them back. XD

A new private server...

People are too busy with a new private server to play with me... You would think that since he might like die in 3 days or so in some weird country in China or something he might wanna spend more time with people... or that's what I would do anyways. But no one's like bothering to play with me liao... Very sad...

They're setting up a new server, which I bet is gonna be really laggy due to school internet. I dont know at all, I think I'll like stick to studying really hard for Bio and English and Lit and Maths this year. And that's all, unless Chem turns out to be really fun and stuff. So maybe no maple at all, whoever may host the server.

Unless, of course, if I have loads of free time on my hands.

Anyways, they asked us to go down to the library today for study time. I'm not going at all, like I said yesterday. I can't study there at all, and anyways, it's super noisy now with so many people going down cause of the 3.5 CAP limit. Also, most of them waste their time talking and whatnot; I'll rather be alone in my room doing my own homework, I get it done and over with quickly and I have totally lesser distractions. I have a com which I need to type on, I can simply sleep once I'm done or at least rest, and what's more, I don't have to freeze in the library waiting for 9.30 when you can finally go back to your room.

It's useless down there; I don't see a point going there myself, it's not going to help my grades, it's only going to push them down. It's just that the school or the hostel has some stupid mentality that oh, let's send all the stupid people to the library, and hopefully, due to the great big "STUDY AURA" of the library, they'll get better grades. And they're setting the benchmark of 3.5 so high because they simply want to play safe; if anyone still gets lower grades at the end of the year, they can say, "oh, we did our best and he's just not working hard.", and if they do well enough, they can simply say: "Look, our system works perfectly.".

It's all just some showing off stunt to (obviously) show off to like the rest of the world that we have the bestest, world class, hostel studying school experience. Retards. So I'm not going down there at all, and all these reason will totally support my argument:

Firstly, I can bet that if I go down to the library, my CAP this sem will definitely be lower then that of last sem. I'm 100% positive that I don't need the library to help me "push up" my grades.

Secondly, if I do go to the library, I won't study there. I won't carry a heavy book down just to please someone "high up there", when I can simply study in my own room. Also, most of my work takes place on the computer; I'm not bringing that down since I have a room here, and even if I did, it's going to die in like 30- 45 mins. And with the highly inflated population at the library, do you seriously think that I can get a spot to plug it in? And say I start doing work on it, and the power dies. What do I do for the rest of the time there? And since my work is mostly Lit, I'll probably lose my train of thought. It's so obviously fraught with so many problems...

Thirdly, it's not a conducive environment. Like I said, it's so noisy down there already with the bursting new population, and you want to squeeze more people inside? It's hard to study in the main library where you can't discuss, and even in the discussion room, it's both too noisy with so many people, and also wayyy too crowded.

So I'm not going down. At all. If anyone wants to drag me down, they can try. But I'll wager with them that if I do go down, I'll 110% get a much lower CAP then if I had stayed up in my room , and definitely a much lower CAP then last sem. Kudos.