It's amazing...

How you can feel all alone even though you're surrounded by friends.

Maybe my definition of friends are different huh? It's kinda hard to explain I guess...

Ate at Macs in the afternoon. It's always weird to be struck with deja vu, but this time it was kind of weirder. Think: continuous deja vu. I remember we used to go to Siglap Macs so many times after school; buy a studentmchickenmealupsizechangethedrinktoasprite... Then buy ice cream, stuff fries in it and eat it whole. Now, we hardly even eat at Macs anymore, or even eat together. Its so different. Everyone's so busy and stuff, and I guess they just don't have time for me anymore. Even kor's so busy now... Or something.

Bao's like missing from the eternal fabric of time since we got shifted into different classes, and obviously Mao has Roy and YH's always busy with flying and well work. And then there's like Conrae left, and he's so busy playing GE or whatever now that he really can't be bothered I guess. I end up getting more and more caught up in astro stuff (and animal physio), but even there no one seems to be serious about it.

Anyways, sitting alone in macs gave me loads of time to think about... well lots of stuff. Even though its not the same, I still enjoy some alone time. However, I think that now there's too much alone time. Aaron kept saying that I need to get out and mix around more and whatever, but that's wayy too exhausting. I dont know how everyone else seems to do it so easily. I's just not me I guess, and if I try to be someone else... It has always turned out bad, and I frankly don't see how it would be otherwise now.

And it's so difficult to just get people to sit down with me and just... be, I guess.  Everyone thinks that I have to be doing something, or studying, or they have something to do, or someone else comes in and takes them away if they're just relaxing off... It's so irritating. And I guess Johno is the only one who has the inkling to do that, but he's always back to CS now, and that's where the free time goes I guess. And yup, I'm back being alone again.

And I don't get why kor keeps saying that I need to learn how to be alone. I don't see him being alone. Things are easier to say if you're not going through them I guess, and i don't think anyone else is going through what I'm going through right now. I mean, I'm trying so hard not to just not to have a mental breakdown or anything, cause I seriously don't know what will happen to me. And everyone's just like, suck it up, or be happy... And I do have times that I'm happy. Yet, it doesn't mean that I'm all right, in every way possible. Everyone else seems to have something to do, or friends to play with, or people to talk to. Yet somehow that never seems to be the case.

In everyone relationship I see, I don't see something that lasts. It's not something which anyone can hold on too. It's like people have suddenly becomes so much less important in the "grand scheme of things" And being alone, no matter what the cool factor is, is not what I'll ever try to be in my life. If I didn't learn anything in Sec2, I'll still remember this from Contact time:

No Man is an Island

And yeah I guess one of the guiding principles in my life right now would be just that. The most important people in my life would be my friends. I'm not a big fan of my family, and I don't think there will ever be a correct time to talk things over with them anyway.

I guess, in the end, everyone is alone in one way or another. Whether you see it now, unless you have someone like my di, everyone's going to be alone in life. Say what you want, or argue or fight, but in the end, how many people will be with you when you die? Not watching you on your deathbed, even if its the most emotional scene ever, but dying, together with you, at the very same time, to head on the greatest journey ever together with you? Probably no one. Most likely, no one. Talk about being lonely.