Being stupid

One thing about not studying for anything is that people always tend to take you as being damn stupid. So you tell them something that you know alot about, and you get weird bullshit from them, like having argued about it with a teacher before or just knowing. It's damn idiotic, especially when said fact is like staring at you in your damn face one mouse click away on wikipedia.

I guess there's a price to pay for acting stupid. On one hand it almost guarantees that'll people won't take you seriously if you say anything wrong; yet even that is a double-edged sword, especially if you have thick-headed friends who think they're so smart just because they study the whole day. No one ever realises that on things that I like, I take less than half a day to study. Well, I don't see the point of studying so hard just to show that I can. What's the point of studying the whole day if you can do the same amount of work in half an hour? The only point is to simply show off. It's probably a defence mechanism just to comfort themselves that they're doing something to try to be better.

I don't believe in studying. There's not much point in it, the way the world's going. Furthermore, I don't see the point of trying to slam something into your head when you obviously don't want to. You'll end up decreasing your satisfaction with that subject, with only minimal increase in mugging power...

The whole day I've been nagged at to study something, with all sorts of stupid excuses to try to get me to study. Don't waste time, studies are important, don't get complacent... Can't you obviously see that that's a stupid way to argue?! Complacency isn't the issue here, yet everyone thinks I'm so confident that I'm not studying. All of you are idiots. I don't study not because I think I don't need it, or I'm ready, or I'm so smart that I don't need to. I just don't want to. And that is NOT complacency; it's simply my choice.

The only people who're acting complacent are the ones who try to rebut me. Just because I look dumb, I don't study and my CAP isn't that great, you think I'm stupid enough not to know when the bravado you display at being "right" is all fake. If you only can do one thing in the whole world, wouldn't you make sure you could at least do it well and good? So don't try to make stupid excuses, stands and judgement calls, just because you've "studied the whole day". Like I said, I see no point in studying a whole day and getting simple facts wrong.

And whatever you think now, I know I'll be one of the happiest people from here in the future. It's not a question of whether I'm smart or not, or whether I have potential even, but I know I'm going to be one of the top because I don't suffer such shortsightedness that so many people here have. If nothing else, I see much more clearly than few others here. I'm not as blind as many take me to be, and despite my many faults, I know that even though everyone else here will have better pay, or greater spending power, or more luck or better looks or more leadership potential, I will be the most fulfilled here. Because nothing else matters as much, yet you are blind enough to chase fleeting shadows. Like I said, most times, I'm the only one who sees clearly enough to play this game.

Astro will drive me nuts

I'm quite sick of people not caring about astro or something. It's technically the end of CCA for Yr 5s but hello, do you think anything can function if you remove half of its EXCO? Damn what la...

And then because of things like watching girlfriends at CO and studying or chionging homework and you can't turn up...

Sometimes I wish to really kill some people. It's just not correct to do this la. Like you hardly bother about the club, and even when I have something else on I have to call and check up and worry. Can't you just concentrate on what you're doing for once, and finish it up? It's not that difficult you know.

I think alot of people think I'm like this slacker who chiongs homework at the last minute and because of my good crapping skills I get great grades. The truth is, I'm not stupid. Studying can be done with so little energy and time spent that I can't comprehend why some people spend a whole fortnight doing a project when, if you sit down for 2 hours it can be finished. Granted, I can't be bothered to do homework so early most of the time, but when I finally get it done I manage to produce work that can still get me Bs or even As. And it's just because I concentrate when I start something. Other people play GE, listen to music, talk to others, then complain that they take so long to do their work and stuff.

Whatever la. If they're not interested, I'm going to give up on astro.

Try...

Love is a terrible thing to hold. No one owns it; no one controls it. Yet everyone seems to desire it. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

It would be better not to feel at all than feel your heart bleeding. Wise words. Everytime i care for someone, I get burned. I'm starting not to care already. If not for what words from sponge I'll be in the middle of a nervous breakdown. He's the one person who I know will never hurt me, no matter what. Yes; I'll gladly push everyone else away. For I know what's left can never hurt me.

It's dinner time...

I just woke up. Wow. And I'm hungry. I'm gonna eat some ice-cream then go down for dinner. Hope it's nice food.

I just received like 10 smses when I restarted my phone. Something is seriously wrong with it le. I shall go down to eat now. It's a nice sunset too, and I'm not intending to miss any moment of it. People or not

Left Behind?

I just woke up... Wow. Slept from 3-9. And I'm still feeling tired.

I guess I'm not going home tonight, or probably the rest of the weekend. I don't even know if I should be up now typing this... My hands are swollen like... lobsters? Can't even think of a suitable analogy now. Or simile. Whatever. Sian. Haven't eaten the whole day.

I don't know why I bother with friends sometimes. I've seen more than enough cases where people get hurt because of them. I feel like throwing it all away sometimes, and other times...

It hurts, that's what I'm trying to say. In a way that no one else will ever understand. Maybe kor's right. I should learn how to live alone. Funny though, how I lose both ways, all the time. I try to reach out, and I burn my heart. I push people away, and they burn my heart. I will be alone. Probably somewhere else, far away. Mr Ng was right when he said I just loved any time where I left the country. The thing he didn't know was why.

I wonder if Alain's having a great time now. Or Adam. Or Sylvie. Or Ms Teo or Mr Ng, even... I've lost so many people that I'm not starting to care about everyone else anymore. There's no point in softening up when you're going to get stabbed again...

It's one of the reasons why I look up to kor. Not caring is a skill I need to learn. And it's starting to take root. My hands hurt; but I'm still up here. I'm way sore, but I'm going to run tomorrow morning, just for fun, and to prove that I can. Maybe I'll even get a heart attack. There are so many ways; thrombus, V-fib, decreased O-hemo to heart, overexertion of cardiac muscle, electrolyte imbalance due to fluid loss, heatstroke... Or I can simply get knocked over by a car by running across a road... Yet I'm still here, after 17 years or so...

I missed today's sunset. I miss having someone at my side to watch it with me, and because of the lack of that, I can't enjoy myself like I used to. I don't have so many people in my life anymore. And it seems like people are leaving much more quickly now than ever before... In Pri 2 it was Adam. I bet even if I go back and find my classmates, they won't remember him. But that was just the first.

Sylvie was next; I lost a valuable ally in the pathetic Lit student pantheon, and the strongest fighter in the war against Celine to get first in Lit. And all her stupid crappy jokes. And retardedness. And her sick-ness. Just ask Rad... And all the long train journeys home were never so bad if she rode with us. Even if she usually only rode to Chinatown...

Alain was next; he left about March, just when Mr Ng was dropping hints that he too, was leaving. and it's not just leaving, leaving. More like leaving the country leaving. It's the in thing now I guess.

Mr Lim's leaving soon. Probably to another country, from what I've heard. (MIT?) And we'll probably never see him again, unless some weird wind of fortune blows the right way, at the right time, in the right places, and through the right channels. It's crap, you know, when people say that you can change the future if you take charge. After all, the future is only potential; potentials can change whether you do anything or not. Not that one should just sit back and do nothing... But one thing you learn soon enough is that the very thing that you have been trying not to allow to happen may happen because of your actions. And for us, that's always hard to comprehend. The way a right word spoken can change another person's life... the same way a wrong word spoken can destroy a life.

I guess ultimately we choose our own lives. But I know that no matter what I don't think of this place as my own. There must be a better place somewhere. And I'll leave everything behind, one day. For it's not worth it to feel, when you feel too much as well.

I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

Cares and worries

I really worry about astro tomorrow night. Looking at everyone who's going to be there... Well you can't count on our dear QM and VP, though I love them so. And lately Mao has her head so into her new boyfriend that it's worrying, and I had hoped that she could like help keep everything on a level head.

Kenneth and CG are usually really tired already from robotics and scouts and whatever, and unfortunately Terry isn't the kind you'll take orders from. So it gets very difficult when things like this pop up all of a sudden. It's amazing how things can seem to work and fit perfectly one moment, then turn out to be so horribly screwed the next. Like, I decided to put Josh in charge for the Amazing race,, and then it turns out that its kinda lucky cause I won't be here tomorrow. Then it turns out that because I'm not here, things are probably going to get like wild and stuff tomorrow. And no one left seems equipped to handle a situation in which the whole club goes crazy or slacks off and just doesn't want to do the Amazing Race or some crazy shit like that...

Which reminds me that I have to draw up some stuff for astro before I go home tomorrow. Needa send out an email to the rest of the club and CC to Mr Lim, and then settle the prizes and make sure they get to the Dry Lab so that I can minimise the chances and devastation of a fallout... Which I'm predicting will kind of happen unless Mr Lim does something... Or Ben... Or if my EXCO finally grew the presence of mind to take charge and stuff...

Well, that's for astro I guess. There's cycling at night at ECP-Changi tomorrow night, and on Sat morning theres Lit class. Great right. So I'm going to sleep as early as possible today, then go for mentoring tomorrow morning and come back to sleep as much as possible. Then go home, and sleep... Then chiong for cycling, chiong home and chiong to school for lit and probably stay there liao la. its irritating to chiong here and there and be so tired anyways.

If only the stupid night cycling was on some other day, and not on the amazing race day. Now i know how scientists who have been doing a project for so long and get it snatched away due to lack of funding at the last minute feel. We worked so hard for the Amazing Race, and I won't be here to even see it. Sian.

Life is getting stupid again. Johno is getting really mean sometimes. It's so sad. I miss the old Johno. I miss the old times. And God, I miss Mr Ng... Our dearest newest mentor is just SOOOOOO great. Words fail me. *rolls eyes*. I hope I never have to have the mentor talking thing with him. I won't be able to stop myself from rolling my eyes at every single one of his sentences... *Sigh*

Anyways, the physics interest group seems to be taking off well on its own, under the care of Johno and YH. I mean, I didn't even know about the whatever talk or movie or thingie that happened today... Hmm. Too busy? But things have changed alot too I guess; people have been changing loyalties so much lately, and not only that, people seem to be getting like so much more evil nowdays. And distant. Distant is bad too. Kor barely talks to me, Johno daos me alot, even when he's using my com to play CS... lame right. I feel like a walk-over floormat sometimes. Conrad is playing GE everyday; sometimes I hope he fails something just so it wakes him up to stop wasting time on stuff like that... Though I'm not a very good example anyways.

And kor just doesn't seem to understand that he shouldn't be encouraging Rad to play GE, its all well and good if he can keep up with work and still put in playing time, but now its so very close to exams, and they're still maniacally playing, and obviously even though I know kor can do anything I don't think Rad should be playing; he's got to pass like EM spec together with the regular modules, and whatever he says, its not easy, what with Lit. And they're all slacking off for what seems like everything in the school; I can understand CCA slacking, and maybe some slacking for the acads, but he looks like he can't be bothered even for IR. it's like they go for IR, then rest for 2 weeks? The worst thing is that he doesn't listen to whatever I say, and everytime i ask him to study he avoids the question by trying to get me fed up, or by saying that I don't study either, or something... Sometimes I feel like saying that I'm not you, and anyways, even though I "don't study", I can still get relatively okay marks and grades. And he can't do that, but he insists that it's okay...At any rate, it's just worrisome bah...

Sometimes I forget that I'm not supposed to interfere with other people's lives. It's something you don't find easy to keep to when you're living in time. Anyway, I guess people have to learn their own lessons from their own mistakes. I can foresee myself worrying myself to death when I have kids...

Haizz. Whatever I guess. *Sian...*

It's amazing...

How you can feel all alone even though you're surrounded by friends.

Maybe my definition of friends are different huh? It's kinda hard to explain I guess...

Ate at Macs in the afternoon. It's always weird to be struck with deja vu, but this time it was kind of weirder. Think: continuous deja vu. I remember we used to go to Siglap Macs so many times after school; buy a studentmchickenmealupsizechangethedrinktoasprite... Then buy ice cream, stuff fries in it and eat it whole. Now, we hardly even eat at Macs anymore, or even eat together. Its so different. Everyone's so busy and stuff, and I guess they just don't have time for me anymore. Even kor's so busy now... Or something.

Bao's like missing from the eternal fabric of time since we got shifted into different classes, and obviously Mao has Roy and YH's always busy with flying and well work. And then there's like Conrae left, and he's so busy playing GE or whatever now that he really can't be bothered I guess. I end up getting more and more caught up in astro stuff (and animal physio), but even there no one seems to be serious about it.

Anyways, sitting alone in macs gave me loads of time to think about... well lots of stuff. Even though its not the same, I still enjoy some alone time. However, I think that now there's too much alone time. Aaron kept saying that I need to get out and mix around more and whatever, but that's wayy too exhausting. I dont know how everyone else seems to do it so easily. I's just not me I guess, and if I try to be someone else... It has always turned out bad, and I frankly don't see how it would be otherwise now.

And it's so difficult to just get people to sit down with me and just... be, I guess.  Everyone thinks that I have to be doing something, or studying, or they have something to do, or someone else comes in and takes them away if they're just relaxing off... It's so irritating. And I guess Johno is the only one who has the inkling to do that, but he's always back to CS now, and that's where the free time goes I guess. And yup, I'm back being alone again.

And I don't get why kor keeps saying that I need to learn how to be alone. I don't see him being alone. Things are easier to say if you're not going through them I guess, and i don't think anyone else is going through what I'm going through right now. I mean, I'm trying so hard not to just not to have a mental breakdown or anything, cause I seriously don't know what will happen to me. And everyone's just like, suck it up, or be happy... And I do have times that I'm happy. Yet, it doesn't mean that I'm all right, in every way possible. Everyone else seems to have something to do, or friends to play with, or people to talk to. Yet somehow that never seems to be the case.

In everyone relationship I see, I don't see something that lasts. It's not something which anyone can hold on too. It's like people have suddenly becomes so much less important in the "grand scheme of things" And being alone, no matter what the cool factor is, is not what I'll ever try to be in my life. If I didn't learn anything in Sec2, I'll still remember this from Contact time:

No Man is an Island

And yeah I guess one of the guiding principles in my life right now would be just that. The most important people in my life would be my friends. I'm not a big fan of my family, and I don't think there will ever be a correct time to talk things over with them anyway.

I guess, in the end, everyone is alone in one way or another. Whether you see it now, unless you have someone like my di, everyone's going to be alone in life. Say what you want, or argue or fight, but in the end, how many people will be with you when you die? Not watching you on your deathbed, even if its the most emotional scene ever, but dying, together with you, at the very same time, to head on the greatest journey ever together with you? Probably no one. Most likely, no one. Talk about being lonely.

It's a sad case of birthday fever

IT's weird to see people people receiving like a million presents. Especially if you're not chipping in for them. Either that, or its also weird to see people receiving EXPENSIVE presents when you know you didn't chip in for them. Hmm...

I don't really know bah... On one hand its always nice to see people getting presents, and everyone being so happy and all... Yet its kinda depressing to see the absolute number that some get I don't know; I'm not the type who's been really easy to make friends. I have a bunch of close friends, and that's about all I guess. I look at how people like Johno make friends and I don't know how anyone can actually keep up with that many people...

I guess it's also probably why I don't have so many friends. Part of the problem is that I would always choose a friend I can always depend on over sheer numbers. And that guiding principle has probably been why I don't subscribe to things like Facebook or Friendster or whatever. I would rather have people I know and love than run around trying to keep up with a hundred other friends. That's not what a friend should be at all.

Anyways... what with all the present giving and things, it's always kinda depressing for me. Sucks being short of cash eh... I can't buy things like iPods or 250GB hard drives. Usually the only thing I give to people is probably a happy birthday. Sad eh.

Even so, after concentrating on deepening my already present relationships, I still can't run away from the fact that I'm still alone in this world. No matter what, we're still going to drift apart, especially after we leave this school. It's already happened once; I don't see why not again. No one's going to follow me through life. No one's going to be there by my side, whether I like it or not. Sucks to be alone too...

Growing up is really really hard. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Sometimes it's just not worth to start friendships just to see them end. It's true, you know. I feel too much. I think too much. And I imagine scenarios of things to come, way too much.