Left Behind?

I just woke up... Wow. Slept from 3-9. And I'm still feeling tired.

I guess I'm not going home tonight, or probably the rest of the weekend. I don't even know if I should be up now typing this... My hands are swollen like... lobsters? Can't even think of a suitable analogy now. Or simile. Whatever. Sian. Haven't eaten the whole day.

I don't know why I bother with friends sometimes. I've seen more than enough cases where people get hurt because of them. I feel like throwing it all away sometimes, and other times...

It hurts, that's what I'm trying to say. In a way that no one else will ever understand. Maybe kor's right. I should learn how to live alone. Funny though, how I lose both ways, all the time. I try to reach out, and I burn my heart. I push people away, and they burn my heart. I will be alone. Probably somewhere else, far away. Mr Ng was right when he said I just loved any time where I left the country. The thing he didn't know was why.

I wonder if Alain's having a great time now. Or Adam. Or Sylvie. Or Ms Teo or Mr Ng, even... I've lost so many people that I'm not starting to care about everyone else anymore. There's no point in softening up when you're going to get stabbed again...

It's one of the reasons why I look up to kor. Not caring is a skill I need to learn. And it's starting to take root. My hands hurt; but I'm still up here. I'm way sore, but I'm going to run tomorrow morning, just for fun, and to prove that I can. Maybe I'll even get a heart attack. There are so many ways; thrombus, V-fib, decreased O-hemo to heart, overexertion of cardiac muscle, electrolyte imbalance due to fluid loss, heatstroke... Or I can simply get knocked over by a car by running across a road... Yet I'm still here, after 17 years or so...

I missed today's sunset. I miss having someone at my side to watch it with me, and because of the lack of that, I can't enjoy myself like I used to. I don't have so many people in my life anymore. And it seems like people are leaving much more quickly now than ever before... In Pri 2 it was Adam. I bet even if I go back and find my classmates, they won't remember him. But that was just the first.

Sylvie was next; I lost a valuable ally in the pathetic Lit student pantheon, and the strongest fighter in the war against Celine to get first in Lit. And all her stupid crappy jokes. And retardedness. And her sick-ness. Just ask Rad... And all the long train journeys home were never so bad if she rode with us. Even if she usually only rode to Chinatown...

Alain was next; he left about March, just when Mr Ng was dropping hints that he too, was leaving. and it's not just leaving, leaving. More like leaving the country leaving. It's the in thing now I guess.

Mr Lim's leaving soon. Probably to another country, from what I've heard. (MIT?) And we'll probably never see him again, unless some weird wind of fortune blows the right way, at the right time, in the right places, and through the right channels. It's crap, you know, when people say that you can change the future if you take charge. After all, the future is only potential; potentials can change whether you do anything or not. Not that one should just sit back and do nothing... But one thing you learn soon enough is that the very thing that you have been trying not to allow to happen may happen because of your actions. And for us, that's always hard to comprehend. The way a right word spoken can change another person's life... the same way a wrong word spoken can destroy a life.

I guess ultimately we choose our own lives. But I know that no matter what I don't think of this place as my own. There must be a better place somewhere. And I'll leave everything behind, one day. For it's not worth it to feel, when you feel too much as well.

I'm tired. I'm going to bed.