Look at it this way; it's tearing apart the whole level. I've seen more of my IR group and my mentor than some people who I live next to. Together with the coincidental slurry of people travelling here and there, going to conferences, going and coming back overseas... I hate it.
It wasn't always like this. People didn't use to be too busy or too stressed out to even spend some time with their friends. Once there was a time when our timetables were fuller; yet we still somehow found the time to go out and catch a movie, or slack around, or just spend time with friends. Yet now we're rarely having back-to-back lessons from 8am to 5.30pm like we used to in Year 3 or 4, but we only seem to be able to relax, let our hair down and slack off willingly when there's like, Frisbee. Or DOTA. Or CS. I never needed games to be able to spend time with my friends; it's something we've forgotten here in this school. Of all our chances to just have fun and relax with each other, there's no better time. And no one seems to see that, and they may say everything about how I'm so slack and not motivated, but still... they've lost it. And I lose them. Probably forever.
It pains me to lose anyone; not losing anyone was one of the things I promised myself when I hit Sec 1. And as it turns out, there're many ways in which those words could be interpreted; but the main reason I swore those things to myself was to prevent me from causing the loss of any one of my friends. And it's just not working out here.
I'm already giving up; it doesn't matter whether I'm able to save everyone of them, or hold on to everyone. But still, a big part of me wants that to happen. But it knows that if even my best friends are drifting away... it must be serious. If I can't count on these people, who am I going to have to count on?
Situational awareness; most people here have just forgotten that, forgotten it as if it never existed. I remember every debt I ever owed; not just in the most basic terms as of money, but of favours done for me, with things done with me, with time spent with me. And people don't seem to get that at all. They're leading all their selfish lives, going all on without thinking about what they're really doing. And that's just sad; they can't see something right in front of their eyes, but can calculate velocities and predict mechanisms and remember facts. It's so ironic.
It's hard to lose friends, but even harder to have to live through the losing process of a best friend, to see things degrade in front of your very eyes, and have no power to do anything to change it.
It's hard to stand by and observe. It's hard to wait and cross your fingers and hope that something can change in time, or to wish that things could go back to before, or hope that past problems won't repeat themselves.
It's hard to be a Watcher.
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