I'm losing it

I don't know if I'm just imagining it or something, but in chinese night lesson he seemed to keep looking at me. I really can't be sure. I'm seriously losing it. I need to get away.

runn-away. yeah.

I'm suffering.

I'm drowning.

I'm dying, and no one seems to notice.

Everything seems unreal to me in the day; I'm beginning to feel reality only when I read, or more often, during the times where I lie in bed and think whether all this is real or not. The chinese test tonight already seems so far away... Tomorrow I've gotta go out and make shirts. It's almost certain that I'm going to view it as unreal tomorrow night...as of Wednesday's tests.

The world is hollow, rotten from its core all the way out.

I don't even know how I cut myself last night. i don't even remember how I cut myself. I don't even know whether I cut myself subconsciously, or I scratched myself on something.

There's something seriously wrong with me.

Maybe I've been hurt by him. "A friendship lost is an act of betrayal". Wise words, from a wise mouth, from a wise friend. I'm glad I still have my di. I wish things were otherwise, but...

I've lost my soul; I've lost my heart, I've lost my will.

Save me. He who knows what it's like to be the last one standing.

Lost

I currently don't know what to do. I think I absolutely hate him, but at the same time I still care. The miseries of a heart that's soft...

I am suffering under delusions; worried sick of events way beyond my control. I should have been concerned about so many other things, but no... Fate decides that right now, right here, I have to carry this plague with me.

The library is a horrible place. He was there; I don't know if I'm avoiding him or not. I sat at a table really far away; yet somehow Providence (or Irony) brought him to my table. Of course, along with a host of other, irritating people.

I don't know. For the first time in a long time I have no options to carry out. Whether this is because of stress, or because I've been so numbed about previous events, or simply because I'm tired... We'll see eventually, I guess. But for now, I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing; I seem to be waiting, but... I don't know.

I miss him, though. If nothing else, I have lost a dear friend. Maybe he was one who I haven't treated really well. I hope not, but if so, I'm sorry. Maybe it was his fault, and I simply gave up trying to accommodate him anymore. Maybe he just wasn't living up to what I thought a best friend should be. It's hard to find those nowadays. Everyone's so frightened, about something they shouldn't be afraid of, at all. Every little thing seems dangerous; a risk. People have forgotten ways of friends of old, where the very fact that you loved someone would be enough reason to do things you never knew, you never would do.

Times change. The people change along with it.

Bullshit

The hostel is so full of bullshit. Yes. It's an expletive. I don't really care what they do now, cause they're just trying to be stupid and not trying to think for themselves for once.

I mean, sheesh, Foo just came up with the stupidest statement anyone could have made. "If your grades show improvement, you can get out of the programme (study time in library)."

Firstly, our CAP is calculated on a semestral basis; as the boarding master of NUS High school, Don't you think he should have known that??!! Sheesh!! What an ass man... It's impossible to pull any sort of grades up that much unless you miraculously get a 5 this semester, and on top of that be like super close to the 3.5 cutoff grade anyway. And he talks like you can drop out anytime, like once you get a good grade on the next test, you can get out of it... And it's suppose to be motivation for us. BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Uber funny, the way their mind works.

I knew it right from the start, the foo was a bad person. that's why, right from the start, I didn't like him. But no... everyone said I was being too negative, too pessimistic. Give him a chance, they said. He'll be nice. Now look. Still think I'm wrong?

No one listens to me when everything is going fine; not once has anyone actually listened and heeded me. Ironical. People usually say I'm not taking in the big picture. But I see further, know more and intuit so much deeper. Too bad I guess, for those who don't listen, and remember.

Whatever. Now isn't the time for I-told-you-so's. It is the time to take action against this. As this was written, I have already sent out an email to Ms Bong. I'm going to ask my dear parents to send in emails and letters. This useless hostel program had better be gotten rid of, and soon, or else it is going down. If not my parents, then some other parents. If not parents, teachers will start complaining that because of the stupid wastage of 2 hours in the early evening, students are forced to stay up late till like 2-3am, and therefore are too tired to hand in quality homework, or even stay awake in class.

So there. They wanted a battle; let's make it one to remember. Mr Lim once said to ask for whatever you want to see; Gandhi said that you have to be the change you want to see in the world. Mr Ng said do whatever you want, just don't get caught; many other teachers have said to always stand up for the right thing. And I respect all these teachers, and all their teachings, no matter what the subject or life lessons. And for these teachings I now stand up to the hostel; let them come. Let them try to fight back. Like I said; they wanted a battle. We're going to fight for what is right, for what's good for us, for what we want, and for the many generations of Yr 5s who are going to have to suffer through this. we will be a testament to them; the cohort which never gave up, and made this dratted world a little better for them to live in.

Let no one even try to stop me. If they mind it so much, take it up some other day, some other time. But right now, my fight is not with you. I've had wnough of the techniques of force used on us; they even threatened Aaron with an hourly report if I didn't go down for study time. And with that, they made it personal. I may break a few school rules now and then, but there are a few I never break; likewise, I live by a few principles that I have never, am never going to, and will never break. And one of these is that if you mess with my friends, you mess with me. NEVER try to get leverage over me by threatening my friends. This is between you and I, don't even think of sinking so low as to attack others. Because if you do... you'll get it. Hard, from me.

And don't try to dissuade me from anything. This is my mind, made up. If you don't like it, I'll deal with you some other day. As John said; the people that matter don't mind, but the people that mind... they just don't matter at all.

No... That's not it

And yes, we're back to the same old argument again. And it's always sad to lose a friend, and have to go through the uncertainty of your relationship ever being made up or whatever... It's time to finally understand the meaning of the haiku:

A world of dewdrops.

And in every drop of dew;

A world of struggle.

Well... It's life I guess.

It sucks so much it makes you want to bite off your own tongue or drown yourself sometimes... Just a few days before Tioman, I found out a new way the world can kill you. Not you physically; they reserve that for the most basest and banal of crimes. After all, physical death is the type of death least painful to endure.

No, no; this is the way they kill us; our ideals, our creativity, our very souls. If not by letting you see their point of view, then by making you see their point of view; if not by making you see their point of view, then by making theie point the only one that matters.

I guess it's just another form of control to them; it's always easier to control anyone if they all wear the same things, do the same things, eat the same food. In other words, conform. And a few days ago, I learned I had to be myself in some other way.

How absolutely oxymoronic. But they expect you to do it. After all, if someone else can pay that price for conformity... why not you?

I won't give up though. Call me rebellious, call me whatever you like; I've seen too much, known too much, and I have too much to do to be bogged down by such moronic bindings and strictures. I've known too many people who've had that same spark; some who have lost it by now, some who lasted longer, and others who still stand up for what's fair and good and right. And I've caught that same spark, and known how much it has to hurt to keep it, just as how I used to imagine fireflies would burn in my hand once I caught them. But keep it I will. If not for me, then for my friends who lost the battle. If not now, then one day, when I have the power, and the will, and the right to show it... They'll see. They won't kill my soulfire; not with things like this. Not against a spark, or a flame, but a blazing inferno.

I guess a lesson here is that you should never rule by fear. Or intimidation. Or manipulation. You get followers, yes... agents which do their job to the best they can. Yet, agents, who you can never trust, because of the very fact that though the sealed the deal, the deal is not on your agenda. It's on theirs. Doing the wrong thing, for the right reason... bindings take on a life of their own, and sometimes metamorphose into something that you will never expect it to be... Something like that is almost certain to come back and bite you in the butt. Unpredictability... Of all people, we should be the ones who know how fast the weather can change.

Some people just don't understand

And I know only one who does.

I thank God for bringing me to Tioman and getting to see all that nature in all its glory. And I learned so much more in those few days than I'll ever learn in a few weeks. And I can love it, all at the same time. And I believe that's how learning should be; you don't learn or study or whatever because you have to, or because someone forces you to, or because you need a good start in life. You learn because you want to; you learn because you love it, because you want it, because right here, right now, there's nothing else you would rather do.

When Mr Ng left us last night, the last thing I said to him was "Have fun." It wasn't "Go learn something," or "Earn loads of money," or even "Get a wife." He left because he had to; but he went to Shanghai because he wanted to.

When Alain left to Australia, I didn't tell him to "Come back with a degree", or "Hook up with an Aussie girl". All I said to him was to have fun. Yes; I told him to study hard; but I never told him to study every night from 8-9.30, then do homework from 9.30 to 10.30.... He left because he wanted to; I bet he's over there, studying because he wants to, not because he's forced to do so.

When I left, no one told me to force myself to study really hard cause I was in a "smart person school" now. I went because I chose to; I've always studied because I chose to.

See a pattern? Apparently no one does. It's not reason enough to say that since you're supposed to be studying anyways, what difference does it make to go to the library? And it's equally not right to say that our boarding rules are so lax compared to other schools; just go down and study in the library.

If the library is such a wonderful place to study, why isn't everyone going down there? Why isn't the whole boarding school willingly going down there? There is, after all, no reason to force someone to do something that they already like, and is useful to them.

So what if you think I should go down to the library to study. That's an opinion; you don't have any right to force me to go down, just because you think it's good for me. I don't even trust you, in every aspect of my life. Why should I trust you that's it's better down there? God never left the choice of salvation just open like that; He had to make himself like us, small, fragile, pathetic, gain our trust, then open up the possibility of saving us. In the end, it's still our choice. He still cannot do anything if we don't choose Him.

And I don't see the reasoning behind: "If he can do it, so can you.". Are you stupid?! Just because someone studies because he's forced to, doesn't mean I work that way. Haven't you heard of the expression, "Everyone is unique.". Most people nowadays think it's just a fancy way of saying that no one is really special, that mentality has just spread, and become so much worse. So be it.

Let the world rot. I'll be leaving it in about seventy more years anyway.

And they say Singapore kids are getting apathetic. Ask yourselves; just who are the people who stifle creativity, choke uniqueness and discourage individuality?

Tioman

IT WAS FUN!! We're going back there next Sept hols. I hope. And it's as 5D, so anyone who's not personally invited had better stay out of it. XD

We really had fun at tioman, though it could have been much better without alot of the people there... Still, it isn't something you get to experience everyday; the magic of a sunset stroll on the beach, of being close enough to a shoal of fish to almost touch them but yet slow enough to never be able to, to have no worries, really small cares and the company of friends. It could have been better, but it was good enough.

I lost a snorkel though. Had to pay like 80 RM, so I owe Vanessa like 40 SGD now. Haizz.

The place was damn nice; snorkelling was the greatest thing we could do there, but it was so worth it... And it's great that I actually had an underwater camera. Took some photos, but too bad I'm totally blind underwater, so I had a really hard time even swimming around. I need to like get at least 900 degreee goggles. They'll be really useful.

Fun as it was, it's really great to be back too. At least, I have a whole bed to myself. My back hurts from sleeping sideways, my ear is sore cause I lay weirdly on it on a pillow, and I have been freezing for the past 3 nights. Lennard's a good blanket stealer.

However fun Tioman was, there was always the nagging thought at the back of my mind, and it sort of ruined things for me a little. Firstly there was mr ng leaving, of course... But apart from that there was homework and all that. It's really horrible to be on a holiday and have to keep worrying about other stuff. Even though I didn't do that alot, still... it could have been better.

I want to go back there again. Whether as a Teacher Advisor next year or on our own as 5D, I want to go back again. I need to get away from all the things here, and just focus on having fun or hanging out with people or relaxing. I don't want to worry about school, or work, or people that I hate... I need more time to myself, and more time to spend with those I love. I need more time to just watch sunsets, and poke around in the inter-tidal areas, and snorkel and marvel at what He's given us. Right here, and right now, we just can't do it.

Well, I have all my life to go back I guess. But before my youth and capacity for having fun and ignoring bad things runs away, I want to go back one more time. And it's always nice to know that, if in such a weird place which isn't even that famous we can find such beauty and serenity, wouldn't there be so much more of that elsewhere in the world?

I believe

That kor is a good person inherently... Even though he's sometimes really evil to me. He's a good person and a great kor.

That people are, in general, all either backstabbers, spiritbreakers, or slave owners. Especially hostel.

That sometimes friends are more trouble than their worth. Still, it saddens me alot.

That you can never be too busy for a friend. In more ways than one, this applies alot to my life.

That some people ought to be shot. And spat upon. And put away and ignored. Japooooon!

That up to now, I'm still not happy. No one can listen, no one can understand, and the person who can do all that is not with me.

That I was a fool to leave Temasek. Baka... If you have everything going for you, don't give it up.

In standing up to what is correct and right. I don't care what they say, what they do or what they tell you to do, but if it's not fair and just and has no reason to be complied with, I don't think you should do it if you don't want to. So there.

That I am not enjoying this school. At all.

That I am losing friends. Too many, too fast. I don't believe this; I know it. And no matter what others say, I know it's true, and it's happening, and not the way most people think.

That I owe no debts to the people whom I block, dao, or hate. I've already paid my debts, in full.

That I am severely depressed. I'm actually thinking of killing myself, then thinking that I'm being stupid. It's weird seeing myself so detached.

That I should be going to sleep right now. It's past midnight, and my arm hurts. Good night.