Btw... Forgot a song...

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shakin off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years

Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh

Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need

Oh, can you see what I see
They're tryin to come back, all my senses push
Un-tie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh

Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need

What you need, what you need...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see...

Bye Alain...

We say goodbye to a dear friend today... Like probably forever... To some random place in Sydney. For study. And he's probably gonna come back like only once a year.

It was like I left again; something which I should never have done at all. Now I know how bad it feels to abandon anyone... I can't understand how I managed to do that in Sec2... How could I hurt all my friends like this... And all the girls cried and that set me off again... retarded, but I guess I've been bottling so much emotion inside me so far that it just had to come out somehow, and this was the best way to do it I guess...

And there wasn't like much fanfare or something, we spent some time at the food court and like chitchat, then I wanted to eat but had a shock when I saw the prices... Like 7 bucks or something for a plate of chicken rice. Seriously overpriced. So we dilly-dallied until around 7pm, then we walked Alain up to the departure gate... which started everyone taking a slew of photos and giving him gifts and stuff like that. Then we cried and stuff then Boon gave him a shirt which didn't have my pic on it, zzz I guess serves me right for not going out with them at all... stupid school.

I really can't say much more... We just stood there like idiots watching him wave and go off through immigration, then he disappeared. Forever. And we just stood there and kept crying and watching until Hui Ting said that she forgot to ask him to buy duty-free alcohol for her... then everyone laughed and cried at the same time...

I miss them so much. And the only time I see them is when someone decides to leave forever. It's so retarded. I feel really bad. And I sincerely hope that sponge and Daryl and Hoyin never do that to me too... Or just die on my watch, cause that's even worse too. O.o

I gotta go now... before I start crying again. And like flooding the room... These are the times when you really need a friend, and I thank God that there's sponge and Johno in my life... Yeah thanks God! Hahas...

Back!!

There goes the frantic week of handing up tons of homework and other rushy stuff like that... Finally behind me; now to concentrate on the final week of rushing stuff, cause yup, theres one more week of homework handing in before, hooray, its exams! Zzz much...

Finally finish and over and done with English academic report. Waste of my time, really, it had no head or tail, then I just crapped my way through everything. So I'm just going to get a really low grade for it, but I guess it's quite good for rushing it through with alot of other homework to do...

Feeling sad now... Ryan's leaving earlier, like 12:45...  And I'm left all alone.. as usual.

I may not make it through the night man... sometimes I feel like this is all so stupid and all... I think I'm falling apart totally, and soon I'm going to go nuts... I wanted to feel so much that now I'm feeling too much; I think I'm like suffering under just my feelings... I feel like I just want to sleep forever and not wake up cause if I do , I'm just going to be plagued by too many feelings that I can't handle... And I'm avoiding company and other people because I'm scared of feeling too much for them... And I can't stand it any longer liao, it's really too much to handle and I'm not built for this, no one is...

And it's already hard for me to do stuff with other people, cause it's like the reason why I don't play many sports; I'm way too aggressive when I play, and I don't want to hurt anyone. I hate tennis I hate floorball, and the reason why I never play basketball and netball and stuff like that isn't cause I'm no good at it, but it's cause I'm too aggressive. It's the same when I play frisbee or basically any other competitive game; that's why I don't even play anymore. I cut myself off from these...bonding stuff cause I can't hurt anyone anymore, again.

But that's totally not helping here, I'm not the type of person who gathers like a huge bunch of followers around me and always has company, and because what friends I have always play these sort of things that I just can't play, and when I'm asked to play with them I can't and I have to fake a reason... I think I'm losing them... And I don't know what to do at all, cause it's not something I can control or fight... Whenever I play a game someone gets hurt and I can't bear to see that happen again. Ever. And even if it means pushing some people away from me... It has to be done. I'm just not safe at all, at least in games that require teamwork and stuff...

Now you know why I love canoeing so much. There's the team spirit in it, but there's no way I can develop enough aggression to go hurt somebody... And that's also the reason why I joined ODAC too. However, I absolutely hate the people inside ODAC, of all things, why does the stupid idiot have to be inside??!! I think he's damn sickening, he's always so manipulative to be with johno, what's his problem man... I think he's one of the worst people in the whole school, can't he just be normal? The freaking asshole doesn't know when to back down at all. One day he's going to learn it the hard way and he'll find that no one is going to help him then. Serves him right I think. I think even the shaoyang and khanh are about ten times better than him; at least they know not to interfere and they're normal people. They're irritating but they're still decent. Know your own limits and when to shut up and be quite and when to participate and I think most people will label you as being a decent person... But never attempt to manipulate people so obviously and openly, first it's disgusting and secondly I think people like that are so full of bullshit. A team is a team, and rules are rules, you don't have to fight over it or over a person at all. It's all the same any way you look at it, but you can spare to many people so much irritation and pain and anger... I'm starting not to like ODAC anymore... Why can't he like break a leg or something and just not be able to come for CCA at all... This kind of people simply don't deserve to be in such a great team-like CCA as ODAC la...

I'm quite sick of this school liao. Only a few things left to look forward to, and people expect me to fully pull through. Let's see, shall we?

I'm so screwed up

Sometimes I'm so happy and other times, I'm just this dead person who doesn't have an interest in life around me... Like now.

I realized I need someone to really like understand me and stuff... But people in this school are too busy with their work and stuff I guess, and it's not really fair to ask them to give that up just for me...

I really miss Temasek now... I'm just screwed up that way I guess. Sometimes I can think back on it and just feel really happy that I've actually been there in the first place, but sometimes I really feel like I did something really stupid when I left it for this place. There, I always had someone to care about me, and though I wasn't like what you could say "popular", I think I had the perfect set of friends. Friends who like stuck together and joked together and bitched together and were always there when I needed them. And I hope I was every bit as good to them as they were to me. Cause in the end, I think we'll be remembered for our friendships and our relationships, not by our academic results or financial situations.

Because if one is solely concerned with simply getting good grades and earning money, you would get friends, no doubt, but I feel that there's always that aura of suspicion over that sort of  friendship; the mentality of: "Is he just befriending me because of my grades/money/power?"

Whereas if friendships are built from the foundation up, if there is nothing to like about a person and one can still be friends with him; well, it just shows that that is a true friend indeed. And I really had that in Temasek. The guys really knew how to make me feel better, no matter what, and frankly I only remember a few times when I was unhappy and emo-ing, and those were for really good reasons, like when I got 2nd in English by half a mark, or when I quarreled with someone or stupid stuff like that. Now it looks like every night I'm feeling depressed... and I can't help but feel like no one notices or even cares. Only Johno seems to notice, and I gotta thank him for that Saturday when I think he sat by me until I fell asleep... On Conrad's bed. LOL.

I guess the reason why I'm feeling really depressed now is because I totally didn't understand anything in the AP chemistry lesson just now. Normally this wouldn't affect me though... hmm.

Thinking back, I think it was more of the total unfairness that some people would be getting their Internet cut at twelve just because they are "academically at risk". What bull is that. If they could get rid of the ridiculous English Monday lessons, I'm sure we would all be out of "risk". You force stuff on us, and when we can't cope, you "help" us by removing more relaxing time. Retards.

And also for the four people who now are banned from returning to hostel before 1pm. I think that's really unfair; firstly, it's not their fault, and secondly, I don't think it's going to solve the problem. If they would get rid of superfluous night lessons, and ridiculous English remedial and retarded stuff like that, I'm sure that we could catch up on more than enough sleep. It's these "let's help them students without them knowing! And lets not care about what they think, it's just good for them!" attitudes that really make me want to beat the shit out of them. Can't we have a say in our lives right now? It's like the only chance that we, as a whole level for once get to enjoy a stay together and you just have to purposely spoil it.

Enough about these people. I'm going to sleep.

On top of the world

Look up, the stars are fading
And I am still here waiting
To see you again
Be with you my friend

When the moon is gone forever
I hope you're up there somewhere
I'll see you again
Be with you my friend
'Cause all the roads they lead to where you are
And all the streetlights shine like they were stars
That's where you are

Let's spend tonight on top of the world
And we can do anything,
We can be anything
I'll meet you tonight on top of the world
As real as it seems,
You're only in my dreams

Look out across the water
Faces of lonely daughters and mothers who care
But just can't be there
Swear that I will see you someday
I have to find a way
To show you I care
Even if you're not there

So I'm following the road to where you are
(Meet you tonight on top of)
The streetlights they will guide me to the stars
That's where you are

Let's spend tonight on top of the world
And we can do anything,
We can be anything
I'll meet you tonight on top of the world
As real as it seems,
You're only in my dreams

My heart is empty without you
Sometimes you don't know what you do
And I need you tonight
I'll fall asleep and it's alright
Close my eyes and I'll be by your side

Let's spend tonight on top of the world
And we can do anything,
We can be anything
I'll meet you tonight on top of the world
As real as it seems,
You're only in my dreams

Let's spend tonight on top of the world
(On top of the world)
As real as it seems,
You're only in my dreams

It's quite sad, I think so... But that's how I feel about Temasek. I miss it so much, with all the people that I've abandoned there... But I also know that what's done cannot be undone, and I don't think I'm the type to sit back and moan about whether I should have stayed or not. Now that everyone's graduated, I don't have a reason not to put my best for this school I'm in. Even though I may never fully appreciate it until I've left it, I think my loyalty now belongs both ways; just like one can have more than one best friend, I'm going to be loyal to both schools, and put my best here as I had put my best there.

Also, I forgot to say here that on 10th of March was korkor's birthday! hahas Happy birthday kor! And on the 20th of March is gonna be wz korkor's birthday. And though it's next Thursday I'm gonna say it here cause if not I'll probably forget then. Happy Birthday to both my kor's!! hahas.

And yup this has been sitting in my writer for about 2-3 days liao, so I'm gonna post it now XD

Cabalsea

It's not a bad game, but it kind of reminds me of almost every other game I've played... But's it's nice though.

So this ends my one day of fun and total relaxation; tomorrow I'm going to start doing homework so it doesn't start piling up on the first week of school... Then gotta get started on bio stuff liao. It's ok though, it's kind of fun still, though I really have to study this year.

I hope no one else has found this blog, I'm starting to enjoy having somewhere to write about in private...

I finished the books from the library... That feeling still hasn't worn off yet! So maybe it really is something... O.O anyway, now I'm addicted to Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Listening to it like so much.

Today's korkor's birthday, so happy birthday to him!! hahas... I really love you ok kor? don't be so stressed about her bah kor. One day... Just wait. 

Ook I'm gonna go sleep liao, really suffering from aches and tiredness.

Talk about starting off on the wrong foot...

Today was kinda a bad day. Had a Bad Dream last night, and now I'm not really looking forward to going to sleep. Hmph. It's kind of scary now when I think back on it; I can' quite remember it now I've managed to put a whole eventful day between it and me, but still...

It was like there was a war going on, and everywhere I looked there were signs of destruction and like, old-ness. Every building was kind of grayed-out and sort of sepia toned; it had the general appearance of being old and crumbling, like those old movies of war heroes and stuff. I remember walking down this little alley and stuff, and bombs or something were falling all around. And I remember, in the dream, thinking that my di and my kor and Johno were dead, like remembering them; then I was walking with this old man who sort of looked like Santa Claus without the fatness and the clothes; he was like in the tweed jacket, stooped, but had the white hair and beard and stuff around his face.

And after I remembered them dead (you know like thinking back on the times when they were still alive and stuff, as if they were really, already dead o.O), I was in this room with that old guy, which now I think of it, looked really old and wise, but not tired or anything, he just had the appearance of being old and stuff. And I remember being afraid of something, maybe like being afraid to die or something, but then there was this voice which asked: "What are you afraid of?".

And I remember the old man suddenly gathering me in his arms and saying: "He's not afraid to die, are you?" And I distinctly remember saying back: "Dying? That's not what I was afraid of. I was just afraid of more of my friends dying." And I remember in my dream I almost started to cry and stuff, I was so scared...

But I also realised that I was sad only for kor and my di, (who was dead already apparently), and I remember thinking in my dream that "I'll be seeing Johno soon", and I remember in my dream I smiled at that thought... And I also remember someone saying that I should start saving them, one by one, or something like that, or maybe I said it myself... All I remember now is that I was determined not to let any of them die, as in die unbelievers. That part hit me the strongest, and I knew I couldn't just stand by and not tell my friends about God and just watch them die like that. I couldn't imagine dying later, then meeting them face to face and having them ask me why I never bothered to tell them about the gospel and stuff... It's really scary.

And that spurred me to borrow something from the church library this morning; two books on the "Left Behind" series, the last two of that particular series. I finished reading one already, and I'm going to read the other tomorrow. I can't help but feel that God or at least something led me to this; my greatest fear all my life was losing someone that I love; anyone, actually, that I love, forever, like not telling them about the gospel and they having to go through eternal death and hell and all that... It would be nice to know if everyone was already a Christian, but now I can't stand the fact that if anyone dies, chances are that it would be a non-Christian, and I'll feel really responsible if I don't start telling people about Jesus.

It's still really weird writing about God and stuff here on my blog, especially now that others know about it; its definitely easier than going out and spreading the gospel, but I guess I have to do it someday, and I hope someday soon. It's so weird just talking about it, but I know I'm going to do it, no matter what. And maybe this is just the beginning of the teaching that's coming. For who knows the mind of God?

Anyway for those who read my blog, don't spread it around (at all!!!) cause I think I wrote some sensitive things which may hurt some people (namely Johno and Conrad), and I don't want that. So keep it low, and I'll release it in my own time. Haha.

I'm going to sleep now, not really excited about what may come (or maybe I'm just paranoid) in my dreams... But I'll manage it I guess. Nites, and this is Theo wishing everyone who reads this happy holidays!