Back!!

There goes the frantic week of handing up tons of homework and other rushy stuff like that... Finally behind me; now to concentrate on the final week of rushing stuff, cause yup, theres one more week of homework handing in before, hooray, its exams! Zzz much...

Finally finish and over and done with English academic report. Waste of my time, really, it had no head or tail, then I just crapped my way through everything. So I'm just going to get a really low grade for it, but I guess it's quite good for rushing it through with alot of other homework to do...

Feeling sad now... Ryan's leaving earlier, like 12:45...  And I'm left all alone.. as usual.

I may not make it through the night man... sometimes I feel like this is all so stupid and all... I think I'm falling apart totally, and soon I'm going to go nuts... I wanted to feel so much that now I'm feeling too much; I think I'm like suffering under just my feelings... I feel like I just want to sleep forever and not wake up cause if I do , I'm just going to be plagued by too many feelings that I can't handle... And I'm avoiding company and other people because I'm scared of feeling too much for them... And I can't stand it any longer liao, it's really too much to handle and I'm not built for this, no one is...

And it's already hard for me to do stuff with other people, cause it's like the reason why I don't play many sports; I'm way too aggressive when I play, and I don't want to hurt anyone. I hate tennis I hate floorball, and the reason why I never play basketball and netball and stuff like that isn't cause I'm no good at it, but it's cause I'm too aggressive. It's the same when I play frisbee or basically any other competitive game; that's why I don't even play anymore. I cut myself off from these...bonding stuff cause I can't hurt anyone anymore, again.

But that's totally not helping here, I'm not the type of person who gathers like a huge bunch of followers around me and always has company, and because what friends I have always play these sort of things that I just can't play, and when I'm asked to play with them I can't and I have to fake a reason... I think I'm losing them... And I don't know what to do at all, cause it's not something I can control or fight... Whenever I play a game someone gets hurt and I can't bear to see that happen again. Ever. And even if it means pushing some people away from me... It has to be done. I'm just not safe at all, at least in games that require teamwork and stuff...

Now you know why I love canoeing so much. There's the team spirit in it, but there's no way I can develop enough aggression to go hurt somebody... And that's also the reason why I joined ODAC too. However, I absolutely hate the people inside ODAC, of all things, why does the stupid idiot have to be inside??!! I think he's damn sickening, he's always so manipulative to be with johno, what's his problem man... I think he's one of the worst people in the whole school, can't he just be normal? The freaking asshole doesn't know when to back down at all. One day he's going to learn it the hard way and he'll find that no one is going to help him then. Serves him right I think. I think even the shaoyang and khanh are about ten times better than him; at least they know not to interfere and they're normal people. They're irritating but they're still decent. Know your own limits and when to shut up and be quite and when to participate and I think most people will label you as being a decent person... But never attempt to manipulate people so obviously and openly, first it's disgusting and secondly I think people like that are so full of bullshit. A team is a team, and rules are rules, you don't have to fight over it or over a person at all. It's all the same any way you look at it, but you can spare to many people so much irritation and pain and anger... I'm starting not to like ODAC anymore... Why can't he like break a leg or something and just not be able to come for CCA at all... This kind of people simply don't deserve to be in such a great team-like CCA as ODAC la...

I'm quite sick of this school liao. Only a few things left to look forward to, and people expect me to fully pull through. Let's see, shall we?