Today was kinda a bad day. Had a Bad Dream last night, and now I'm not really looking forward to going to sleep. Hmph. It's kind of scary now when I think back on it; I can' quite remember it now I've managed to put a whole eventful day between it and me, but still...
It was like there was a war going on, and everywhere I looked there were signs of destruction and like, old-ness. Every building was kind of grayed-out and sort of sepia toned; it had the general appearance of being old and crumbling, like those old movies of war heroes and stuff. I remember walking down this little alley and stuff, and bombs or something were falling all around. And I remember, in the dream, thinking that my di and my kor and Johno were dead, like remembering them; then I was walking with this old man who sort of looked like Santa Claus without the fatness and the clothes; he was like in the tweed jacket, stooped, but had the white hair and beard and stuff around his face.
And after I remembered them dead (you know like thinking back on the times when they were still alive and stuff, as if they were really, already dead o.O), I was in this room with that old guy, which now I think of it, looked really old and wise, but not tired or anything, he just had the appearance of being old and stuff. And I remember being afraid of something, maybe like being afraid to die or something, but then there was this voice which asked: "What are you afraid of?".
And I remember the old man suddenly gathering me in his arms and saying: "He's not afraid to die, are you?" And I distinctly remember saying back: "Dying? That's not what I was afraid of. I was just afraid of more of my friends dying." And I remember in my dream I almost started to cry and stuff, I was so scared...
But I also realised that I was sad only for kor and my di, (who was dead already apparently), and I remember thinking in my dream that "I'll be seeing Johno soon", and I remember in my dream I smiled at that thought... And I also remember someone saying that I should start saving them, one by one, or something like that, or maybe I said it myself... All I remember now is that I was determined not to let any of them die, as in die unbelievers. That part hit me the strongest, and I knew I couldn't just stand by and not tell my friends about God and just watch them die like that. I couldn't imagine dying later, then meeting them face to face and having them ask me why I never bothered to tell them about the gospel and stuff... It's really scary.
And that spurred me to borrow something from the church library this morning; two books on the "Left Behind" series, the last two of that particular series. I finished reading one already, and I'm going to read the other tomorrow. I can't help but feel that God or at least something led me to this; my greatest fear all my life was losing someone that I love; anyone, actually, that I love, forever, like not telling them about the gospel and they having to go through eternal death and hell and all that... It would be nice to know if everyone was already a Christian, but now I can't stand the fact that if anyone dies, chances are that it would be a non-Christian, and I'll feel really responsible if I don't start telling people about Jesus.
It's still really weird writing about God and stuff here on my blog, especially now that others know about it; its definitely easier than going out and spreading the gospel, but I guess I have to do it someday, and I hope someday soon. It's so weird just talking about it, but I know I'm going to do it, no matter what. And maybe this is just the beginning of the teaching that's coming. For who knows the mind of God?
Anyway for those who read my blog, don't spread it around (at all!!!) cause I think I wrote some sensitive things which may hurt some people (namely Johno and Conrad), and I don't want that. So keep it low, and I'll release it in my own time. Haha.
I'm going to sleep now, not really excited about what may come (or maybe I'm just paranoid) in my dreams... But I'll manage it I guess. Nites, and this is Theo wishing everyone who reads this happy holidays!
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