Thoughts on my life

I wonder who reads this. Hmm.

I have decided I hate the 1-star course. I've been stressing out over when to take it (not really, it's just been bugging me), and who to find to take with me, because I'm so scared to take it myself that I can't bring myself to print out the damn form and call them up again.

I really hate this life sometimes. I wish I could just go off somewhere far away from people, with just like one or two of my friends and spend time with them. I've taken to sleeping the whole day today just to make the day go faster. And I'm going to do that for later tonight too. Immediately when I'm done with Lit, I'll just go to sleep. After packing everything for ODAC first, of course. Just thinking of PT made me groan. zzz.

Haizz. If I could I'll quit this school and travel around the world or something. Not for fun, but to find something I've lost. I'm so... weary of everything here. It's not boring, it's only tiring on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays or if I have a lot of work... but I think I've grown tired of what I'm doing all this time. It's not like I want to go to army sooner, or anything. But I want to just go away from all this nonsense and think things. Away from school and Astro and ODAC and everything.

Everything and everyone that used to make me look forward to coming to school is either gone, dead, or changed. So many teachers have gone, and they all seem to be the ones who are actually good. So many things about my CCAs have changed, and now that I've handed over Astro, it's like some midlife crisis thing; I have nothing to live for anymore. A few more weeks to help them clear up stuff, APs in a few months, a few more emails, 3 more terms of modules to get the stupid diploma... Then what? There's nothing left anymore. I don't even have an urge to get 1-star anymore, and that was something I have been looking forward to in such a long time. Next, what? 2-star? Hah, I've given up on that dream. As well as being an OBS instructor. I don't even know if I want to take the physio modules anymore.

It's like slowly, throughout the course of my time here, I've been drained of everyone and everything I loved. I used to be able to rattle of long lists of Astro facts and various topics; now I can't even remember most of the facts about subatomic particles. I used to aim for Gold in Napfa, and feel really happy when I got 26 points. Now I don't think I can even get a pass. My pull-ups have become terrible, I have to try so hard to get to a double digit number. I'm angry at myself for being phail in everything, and getting angry at myself for being always angry and depressed, and getting angry over things and people for the stupidest reasons. I can't stand ODAC because of the noise in the room, and I'm starting to hate the sound of laughing, talking people every time I go for it. Everyone else is busy with other things, or other people, and I can hardly get a word in edgewise sometimes.

I can hardly bother about the A level results; I wouldn't be surprised if I failed. I guess a lot of things just don't matter alot to me already.

Theo misses...

His Aaron. I wish we were still in hostel. I wish he didn't have Chinese. I wish he would be more free and have more time to play with me. D: Too bad none of those wishes will come true. Or when they do, it will be too late.

I wonder what Alain's doing in Australia. Suddenly I have this really strong desire to go back to Temasek to find people... Until I realised that even if I go back they won't be there anymore. I miss them a lot, and all the whiny lovesick songs on my playlist aren't helping either.

I can't believe I'm going to be 18 soon. Ben's already 18... Maybe I'll ask him to buy that Jolly Shandy thing for me. I wanna try it, but I think it'll taste sort of like mountain dew. Which now I have a craving for.

I wonder if Wenny can come with me to do my 1-star. I very scared to go myself.

I miss Sylvie too. All the random things in Lit class. Like doing those funny drawings for Ms Koh. And only she and Celine could draw... And how she'll get off the train at Cheenatown. Or at Outram la, cause she lives at Cheenatown.

I want to donate blood on my birthday. Johno says he's coming but I think he may forget. He forgot to fix my toaster for like... EVER. Poor toasty... At least now I'm very sure he can never start a fire in my room. He just won't stay on unless I'm pressing his toaster lever down, which means staring at him. So it's very safe. Maybe they should make all toasters like that. There won't be a single toaster fire next time.

I miss all the long days last time. When we came to school and there was the ring and we had so much fun, and we had an enemy (his/her name rhymes with "enemy"), and we slacked around, and a 2 hour break in the middle of our day was heaven, something coveted, and when we got it we were so happy and everything. When we would all wait for each other before making the great pilgrimage home, and Johno would get off the 196 bus, and we'll watch him walk off and never, ever, except once look back at the bus, and we'll all take up this huge area on the floor of the train and sit down, then stone until it was our stop.

I feel like I'm fighting demons floating around my head. My head feels heavy, I'm super tired yet sleeping does little to no help, I'm eternally depressed, from one thing to another. Life has made me sad. I won't be surprised if I find myself killing myself or something. *yawns*

I think I'll shower, and sleep now. It's getting kind of late, even though 96% of the people in my level will probably say otherwise.

IT'S LATE, PEOPLE! IT'S PAST 9! HOW IS THAT EARLY!? gah. *emos and falls asleep in tears*

Astro handover

It's weird being the only ODAC member who doesn't have 1-star. Hmm...

And it feels weird to have handed over Astro le. It's fine cause it's all finally over and we don't have to be hounded by people or bothered to plan sessions or stuff like that, but it feels kind of lonely. And it's so different. I think we need to have a session where all the old EXCO members go out to eat. We did that yesterday night at Subway, but we weren't full strength yet. Mao and Josh and Ewin and the Year 5s weren't there, so it was kind of a small group. But it was still fun.

Oh, I won 20 dollars of adidas vouchers. Great huh. Anyhow go eat eat, then got some scratch and win thing. Then who knew really kena "Congratulations! You have won $20 worth of adidas vouchers! Please redeem your prize immediately at the counter."

I didn't even know at first la. Scratched it off a little bit with my nails, then saw congratulations. Then I was like cheh. Must be coke. Or chips, or a free meal or something. Then turned out it was adidas vouchers when I borrowed a coin to scratch it off fully. So amazing. Then went to redeem la. Now got adidas vouchers for dunno what. I rarely buy anything from adidas anyways hahas. Too expensive. So get ready for an influx of adidas presents from me. LOL.

We went back to the school afterwards; went to settle EXCO stuff. I need to send the new positions and all to so many people later on, and type emails and stuff. But who cares, really... We're done, and that's all that matters, I guess. Even though it's a little sad and all.

There's so much homework to do! There's Lit which is due on Monday. And I need to start doing English as well; that woman wants 4 or so more essays on newspaper stuff. Very irritating to do. Then there's the presentation too. And the results of the Math test will come back. SUPER SCARY...

I need to take 1-star by myself now. And I thought that when I finally took it I'll have like so many people taking with me. It seems like every time I try to take it something crops up. Sick, nobody going, stupid plans changing... ZZZ

Hmm I forgot I need to come up with the final workplan. I think I'll just do like a rough draft. It's irritating to keep changing things around.

I remembered something! We saw a three-legged cat. I think it was born without the fourth leg, because there isn't a stump or something. It's just like a normal cat, but without a leg. Yeahh. Poor cat. We miaomiao at it then it loped over. And like stone at us. Then we had to go back to school le, cause Astro starting le.

I think it's really irritating when everyone around you has a girlfriend. Last time it was fun going to school. Now it's damn sian. Always people busy or what. Or want to go out with gf. Or spend whole day jalan jalan. Zzz. Now very boring to go school le. Only go lesson, then ODAC then Astro. In between is eat only. Haizz.

A short post

Is it supposed to be disturbing if you only feel truly joyful watching sitcoms? I've been watching The Nanny, The Simpsons, or the Fairly Odd Parents everyday for quite some time now, and recently it's only during these times in which I feel happy and can forget everything that's happened. Every other time there's like something hovering over me, and draining all my will to socialise and be happy and stuff. I'm sorry Johno if it's affecting my attitude or whatever at ODAC, but I hope you'll understand. And yes, I've reasoned it all out, and there's nothing that seems to be making me sad and all, and there's no reason for me to carry it over to CCA time, and in spite of anything that's happened, is happening or could happen, there's no use mulling over it or feeling sad, and after all that I know you'll try to say, I still feel sad. And that's just it I guess.

I have 80 years or so here. Therefore, I don't think little things like this matter a lot anymore. Hopefully, I won't even have to die XD

is happiness part of relativity too?

I refuse to talk about ODAC.

Astro was fun. I need to get pictures from Kenneth first; I'll continue this post with all the pics attached.

Hmm. No pics for now. Kenneth left them in hostel, and no one is online yet. So I'll continue with the story XD

We rushed out to buy drinks and stuff cause it was so late already. Then met Tan Li on the way, which was lucky because it turned out there was so many things to carry. And I didn't even get to shower first. We bought ice and drinks and cups and tissue, then lug all the way back to school. Just in the nick of time, we finished everything. Started the attendance taking, then food. Rationed EVERYTHING. We have to get more Hawaiian pizzas. They go really fast.

We went abit crazy near the end of the party; we stacked all 24 boxes up on a table, and Mr Lim  started pulling them out from the bottom. He did this twice, then Mr Wong, and I think Mr Tien. Then I tried it, and it actually worked! Hahahas. Then we had a 2 way pull-off, and it worked too! Amazing la, we were like on a roll. So we decided to try pulling out 4 at one go. But it failed miserably. I think there's a video of it somewhere. I have to find it later. We almost did it but in the end the thing collapsed. Sad right?

We cleaned up the place after that, and moved on to splitting them up into groups. Then played games while I walked around stoning. Too tired to play bah. Then dismissal; in the end, it was quite a short session. But it was fun. And it's still kind of sad that this is probably the last session we're going to plan. And we're going to graduate so soon. And yes, a year will pass really fast. That's one thing I've learned, from so many places; seniors and teachers, from Mr Lim to Eugene and Reiko.

One more year. And that's it. Yet I don't feel happy, or actually, after the initial sadness has worn off, I don't feel much at all. I guess I already feel detached from this school; after I drop astro it's just going to get worse. I think that's what I do; I cut ties early on so they hurt less in the end. Did I do this when I left TMS? Maybe. Actually, make that a probably so. My di thinks so too. When I went back to see Alain off, or just go for their celebrations of stuff, I just didn't feel connected anymore. I felt like just a stranger coming back and stalking some of them.

And that's the way I feel right now. I didn't feel like I belonged here since I came into the school; no matter how much I tried to distract myself with orientation in Yr 3, singing songs, trying to act hyper in games, or laughing at really lame and stupid things, being enthu for cheer, always going out in hostel, sleeping in other people's rooms, doing illegal stuff in the various hostel rooms, sneaking Mitch inside, cooking food, playing Maple, having people sleepover with me, fighting the system with every opportunity I got, trying to keep myself happy in spite of everything that's happening around me... It just didn't work. It just doesn't work. Deep down I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere; I wasn't a Temasekian anymore, I'm not bound anyway to this school or it's people. And no matter how many people, or how many times they told me that it'll be okay, or they'll be here for me no matter what, or that we'll keep in touch, or any promises they made; it never held a ring a truth in the words. I guess it's true that you're all alone in this world, despite anyone you meet, or any friends you make.

Right now, I don't feel like I could be as happy as before ever again.

WHY DO THINGS KEEP CHANGING!!

Aaron changed my display picture today. He cam-whored himself and took a picture on my phone and put it as my wallpaper. It's quite a good photo though, so I think I'm going to keep it there. Now everytime I pick up my phone I have to think twice before I realise it is my phone and not someone else's.

I still have Lit to do. I can't believe I haven't done it la. Got mindmap and something else; I can't remember what so I can only do it in school tomorrow. Sucks.

At least there's no Math and ODAC tomorrow. So it's just Bio, then break till Lit, then break from 3-6.30 then Astro. Kinda a huge difference, because last week was the super-duper-uktra-hiong Friday, and now it's the I-have-alot-of-free-time Friday. Hmm...

*UPDATE AT 9PM*

EVERYTHING IS DRIVING ME NUTS!!!

I have to go for an extra PT session tomorrow because if not my attendance for Saturday won't be taken, even though it's not that I'm ponning the Saturday, I'm just taking it on another day. And I was planning to go out and buy stuff for astro welcome party, and spend the afternoon settling the schedule for the night session and the games and the groups. And I still have to draw up a workplan, which I'm starting to have ideas, and I have to get Josh and Mao to help do something now... And now I need to pack for ODAC and now Astro at night, and I don't have a towel, not to mention clothes. It's already 9, I'm so super tired and I still have English and Lit to do, and the worse thing is all these things aren't last minute! I can't believe I've been trying to do things early for once and things just keep piling up even more... I end up doing even more work than before.

I hate this la. I shouldn't have gone to ODAC on Monday in the first place; I leave Astro for one day and things get so screwed up, and it's under my name!!! And I thought like, oh, it's okay, I owe Johno for being like so pissy and emo alot of times at ODAC, and I feel so bad about ponning on Monday when it's a legit CCA compulsory day, so I went for ODAC instead of Astro. And now he just asked me to go for PT tomorrow, and I need to revamp my whole plan for tomorrow, finish up Chem, English, Lit and tomorrow there's gonna appear a Bio assignment. I really hope nothing's going to replace the Math session (cancelled), because now I need the time to plan for Astro, and if anyone else messes up my timetable, I'm sorry, I'm going to say NO. And yes, I'm going to pon it. Whatever it might be. I can't keep making compromises and changing my times around. I'm not Zhongming, or Bao, or kor, or whoever else who can spend the whole day in school and think nothing about it.

I've finished crying. I won't do English anymore, or Chem, or any homework tonight. I'll just pack for ODAC, and try to figure this out tomorrow. I can't function like kor, I don't go for extra PT sessions or Astro sessions or extra lessons because I think it's fun or on a whim. I can almost bet that something is going to crop up again tomorrow. I have a feeling I'm going to blow up at someone tomorrow. If not in the morning then at astro, or Bio, or in between Lit; or worse, in ODAC. I really hope that doesn't happen, I hope Johno doesn't shout at me, I don't know what I'll do.

Another thing I can't believe is that my trip is cancelled. What is the meaning of having to submit a proposal for a trip 6 months in advance. This is totally ridiculous, I don't even have any trips that ask me that far ahead! I don't care if it's from someone high up or what, the point is, I got that email, and I think someone is going to have to answer for it. HUHH. I HATE THIS SCHOOL!

I asked Jack to go out and buy food for astro early, but apparently he thinks he needs to come for ODAC too, because he didn't on Monday. So there's no one left to buy food now, cause we still need to plan for the party itinerary. And there goes my plan of eating out at NUS one last time. Great la. Astro is really eating up my life.

I think I've calmed down since just now, and now I'm thinking of whether to post this. It's so angry, and I've said so many things i would never say, EVER. I was going to edit this, but my di says it's better to just post it as it is. He came up with some reasons, like I'll probably look back on this one day and laugh, and that he wants to read what it says, and that anyways, speaking truth to power is never wrong, even though it might not always be right. It's strange to hear words like that pop up at me, through him. I was the one who taught him that. Together with "don't talk back to me" and "don't be a busybody". Anyways, thanks for the chocolate. It always helps to know that someone cares for me and loves me. I don't know what I'll do without you, k? So anyway, here goes nothing...

Ride of my life

There's PE tomorrow. And I'm already kind of tired just thinking about it. Maybe that's what they mean by "riding the eddies of time"

I really don't feel like going for PE tomorrow. It's a good thing there isn't ODAC on Friday, I don't feel very well. Though it might be because of the chocolate I ate today. I think I need more.

I think I'll devote the rest of this post to someone who has helped me alot. And even though he's sometimes really evil I don't think I would be where I am today if not for him.

He's sat through like an hour or more of my calls for a time, once or twice or a few times. He can be really caustic and sarcastic and basically evil at times, but at certain moments... he can be really good to me. I don't know what I'll do if he wasn't here sometimes, but most of the time I wonder why I even know him, so... -.-

He jokes around alot, but he still has time to talk to me. Though he usually spends it bullying me. Yet I appreciate how sometimes he takes the time to answer my questions or entertain me. He sometimes plays games with me, but always quits them in like supersuper fast time. But it's still fun XD

Apart from that, he's still my korkor, no matter what happens. Even though he's really mean, he still bothers to cook soup for me, or buy bread in hostel. And it's these little things that I cherish most about him.